Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Gracious Discontent

You worry me
With your feet untangled from mine
Breaths lifting my hand
I watch it fall

I don't want you to go
But leave your coat if you must
To weigh me down in the winter
Carve a spot in my lap
I’ll save it til summer

If i am to love
This would be how

Running in circles
But your steps make no sound
I know nothing at all

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

You have brought feelings of so many on a paper in such a fine way. I'm beginning to admire your style of writing.
.

"Poetry is invariably imbued with a sense of calm and serenity".

~Jackweb

Thank you so much Jackweb

author comment

that you are dreaming of a lover. Someone to love who makes you feel comfortable. I think that it that way with most people, but you have put it into words that translate well. It is serene and lazy. but not sloppy! Nice job,
~ Geezer.
.

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

This was actually inspired by a film! I was watching the movie "call me by your name" and connected very strongly with the love expressed. Since it didn't come from personal experience I was worried the emotion may fall flat so your feedback means a lot. thank you

-leo

author comment

Oh, my. Beautiful poetry: " I don't want you to go, but leave your coat if you must." A wistful love. The title reminds me of the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." The end feels so final, like the sound an empty house makes right after the last loved one leaves and the back door closes. Such wonderful language throughout: "...feet untangled from mine." "If I am to love, this would be how." Discontented, but willing to live with that. Somewhat happy, kinda sorta. Really like this.
Thank you,
Lavender

Thanks again Lavender, I really appreciate how detailed you are about how you connect with my poetry.

-leo

author comment

Beautiful way to describe the comings and goings of a lover. Sometimes they leave a piece of themselves and leave us wanting more.

~RoseBlack~

Even tho it is short…. It is well put!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

what a marvelous piece
classic poetry...
like a loaded apple tree
keep flowing down the river
your poems are lovely
to learn from you
now I too am following

a life's admiration
coming from the wilderness of youth
my wildness
ROMANTIC poet me

Have you read me

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.