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Dream Catching

Submitted by William Lynn on Tue, 2024-02-20 13:36

If I could catch my dreams
All the ones that made me smile,
I would wrap them in a memory
And save them for a while.

Perhaps that small Pacific isle
It was nineteen ninety two,
The sun, the sand, and palm trees
The beach and me and you.

There was that cabin in the woods
Snow capped mountains all around,
We slept before the fires flame
Quiet nights without a sound.

London first, then on to Paris
Notre Dame and then the Louvre,
Wonders up and down the Seine
None more wondrous than you.

Those dreams along the Danube
Castles from centuries long ago,
Friends we met along the way
Historic beauty we came to know.

On the nights when sleep's far off
I would un-wrap a dream or two,
Hand in hand in dreams we'd travel
While new dreams came into view.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 02/18/24 to 02/24/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-02-20 19:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dream Catching" presents a series of vivid and engaging images that effectively transport the reader to different locations and times. It is clear that the poet has a strong command of language and a keen eye for detail.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout the poem, but at times it feels forced, which can distract from the overall flow and rhythm of the piece. For example, in the line "Wonders up and down the Seine / None more wondrous than you," the repetition of "wonder" feels a bit awkward. Experimenting with different words or phrasing could help to smooth out these instances.

Additionally, while the poem does a good job of painting a picture of each location, it could benefit from more emotional depth. The poem tells the reader about the speaker's experiences, but doesn't show much about how these experiences made the speaker feel. Incorporating more sensory details or personal reflections could help to deepen the emotional resonance of the poem.

Lastly, the poem's structure could be more varied. Each stanza follows the same format, which can make the poem feel a bit monotonous. Varying the structure or rhythm could help to keep the reader engaged and add an extra layer of interest to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-02-20 16:23

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a stellar poem! All of those splendid places, all in your dreams! a good title and great language skills. I have to say that you get a lot of mileage out of carefully selected words. I think you are a dream weaver ;) my favorite lines are:

On the nights when sleep's far off
I would un-wrap a dream or two,
Hand in hand in dreams we'd travel
While new dreams came into view.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

William Lynn

Tue, 2024-02-20 17:49

William Lynn's picture

Hi Cat.

Thanks for reading and for your gracious comments. We were lucky to have been able to travel to all those places back when I was gainfully employed. Now we stick pretty close to home, and that seems to work just fine.

Thanks again. - Will

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Alex Tanner

Tue, 2024-02-20 18:12

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Need I say more? Alex

William Lynn

Tue, 2024-02-20 21:28

William Lynn's picture

Thank you Alex, both for taking time to read and for your comments.

I always appreciate comments from you and the others that take the time to read and comment.

Best wishes, Will

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Clentin

Wed, 2024-02-21 06:34

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Very good poem, expresses great images that accurately reflect our dreams.

William Lynn

Wed, 2024-02-21 10:57

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Thank you Clentin.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Best Wishes, Will

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Geezer

Wed, 2024-02-21 16:11

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In comparing your wife to all those wonders, it is a small thing.
If it brings attention to the line, one might think that it appropriate; to name her a wonder too! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

William Lynn

Wed, 2024-02-21 18:27

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Hi Geezer:

Thanks for reading and for your comment. The wife is a wonder indeed as witnessed by the fact that she has put up with my BS for fifty five years. Perhaps "saint" is more like it, but calling her a saint would just go to her head, so I'll stick with wonderful (besides, I can't rhyme anything in the current poem with saint).

Thanks again. - Will

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Lavender

Wed, 2024-02-21 20:10

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Hello, Will,
Beautiful memories of beautiful places, and what lovely praises to your wife.
You are both so fortunate to see the world together!
Thank you!
L

William Lynn

Wed, 2024-02-21 21:31

William Lynn's picture

Hello Lavender.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. My wife is an amazing woman and I'm most fortunate to have her as my best friend for 55 years.

Best regards, Will

VIVA LA PARIS!

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RoseBlack

Fri, 2024-02-23 07:54

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Well told in your poem. It sounds like you and yours have shared so many incredible journeys and moments together. I think we all have a few moments we would like to freeze in time so that they don't escape us and we can keep reliving. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

William Lynn

Fri, 2024-02-23 12:19

William Lynn's picture

Thank you Rose for taking the time to read and for your comments.

We have been most fortunate to travel in our younger years to so many places, each one presenting a new perspective from which to grow. Now we are content to sit on the porch with fond memories of when we were young.

Best wishes, Will

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