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Distant Memories

Perched on his knee
a time of glee
we were going to play horsey
jumping up and down
always acting the clown
he made me giddy with joy
my uncle, a big strapping boy

My memories are distant
I wrack my brain, torment
trying to think when we stopped visiting
parents busy, his life not permitting

He went down a wrong track
couldn't find his way back
alcohol ruled him, so I'm told
he still young, but his body old
he died at thirtythree
alone unfortunately
I'll always remember him with a smile
he was my role model for a long while

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

They are often role models and very kind, and they deserve all hatred, vitriol and dying alone.

This sounds like you haven't acknowledged how much he betrayed your trust and how much he deserved his unsavory end.

On the other hand, perhaps that is my twisted take on a poem about a loving man who died with problems.

Your choice, my gut sense is that you need to get more honest. It is supported by the childish structure, like supporting a past fantasy you don't want blemished.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
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Hi I remember as a loving man with problems thanks for reading and commenting cheers x

author comment

can you see how I read it as I did?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

yes i can u made me look at it through different eyes thanks for reading and commenting x

author comment
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