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DESERT BLUSH - Poetry/Prose WORKSHOP
JUDYANNE'S PROSE:-
Spring is fragile, easily banished by the south wind. Despite the presage of warmer and sunnier days to come with the welcome northerly breeze of yesterday, a cold, wintry wind blew. Today, when the sun rose from the desert in the east and slowly brightened it, the morning sky would be covered from horizon to horizon with a blanket of multi-coloured fluffy cloud that looks just like wool on a sheep.
On a day like this was going to be, the eastern horizon appears ablaze as the great red ball's first new light is poured into the flock in the sky. The sheep overhead perform a slow kaleidoscope of colours as Earth's special star rises higher and morphs through orange to yellow, by which time the multifaceted reflection of many shades has blended to a milky grey.
The day remains grey. and the cool-cold wind blows continuously. Time slows and an atmosphere of waiting prevails. Even the birds hush. After a premature deepening, and an even greater conflagration in the western clouds than had burned the morning sky, the colours of sunset bring an early dark to an already dull day.
This type of day seems to be the universe's way of helping us to come into summer gently. It is hard to rise from the winter cocoon of home with its warm comfortable clothes, fires and good books. By offering justification every now and then, as outdoor summer approaches, to return to a cosy day inside, she helps us to wean ourselves slowly from the long hours of wrapped-up security.
NORDIC CLOUD/ANN'S POETRY ( of judyanne's prose)
Desert blush.
Today's dull day, destined to be grey,
arose with heaven's great orb, earth's star,
inflamed the floating clouds of wool
with rainbow colours ever changing
in a slow dance of tints and shades,
that painted hope, but no, this blaze of orange light
soon faded into yellow, bleached right out
to colourless, not white but brightness gone away.
Hushed, the birds perched waiting, blown by icy winds
amid this measured movement, stilled,
no more the glint of a prism's beams
when touched by dawn's illumination
delicate as the rose's bloom, now faded
into shadowy canopies and gloomy
darkness filled the scene with milky grey
Treading gently, summer shyly steps into our minds,
the universe in her wisdom warns, and sends
this birth of newer climes, a hint, when we
in warm and comfortable clothes stay in,
where fires and books give solace for a while,
secure that, as yet in spring, earth does our hours beguile.
Haiku of it:-
Grey tinted by the
sun, pale winter's colour turns
to summertime
An alternative shorter:-
The sun crept up a sudden yellow,
sheep-like clouds to blush,
a dance in changing coloured robes,
birds by north-wind ruffled
all this is stilled as in fading shades of greys
a new cloak is swept abroad,
dulled the day
while cosy by the roaring fire
we sigh in spring
that leads us on to the summers warmth.
OR:-
The sun crept up a sudden yellow,
flushed the woolly clouds,
a slow deliberate dance of colours,
birds by north winds ruffled,
all this was stilled as in a meld
of fading shades of grey,
a newer dimmed cold light
was then made white,
as heat of contrast, safe by roaring fires,
we sigh in spring with longing,
as she hints at summer's warmth.
Style / type:
Free verse
Last few words:
Well I had a go at shortening it to three lines or to a shorter poem Barbara?
I have now altered the last middle sized poem and chosen that as my final poem stan.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-23 17:17
Hello
I will with hold commenting on any shop poems until most others have done so in order to avoid swaying opinions. Thank you for such a quick conversion to poetry............stan
Nordic cloud
Tue, 2012-04-24 02:19
No hurry stan, it was your
No hurry stan, it was your saying that you were coming back in ...hrs that prompted me to be quick with this, perhaps I shall even make changes before then! ....Ann
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2012-04-29 02:07
a lovely re-write annanya
well done i think
just a couple of things
'into a shadowy canopies and a gloomy' - i'd drop the 'a's
darkness filled the scene with milky grey - and change 'filled' to 'filling'
to
'into shadowy canopies and gloomy
darkness filling the scene with milky grey'
favourite line (amongst many)
'Treading gently, summer shyly steps into our minds'
love judyanne
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-04-25 13:44
Oh I do so agree with you
Oh I do so agree with you judyanne, thankyou for being my brain looking at it, I mean instead of my brain! I didn't see that, I did it fairly quickly and my mind occasionally cuts things out or puts things in 'uavhengig' not hanging to me, meaning separately from my consciousness if you see what I mean= forkalkning=.for-chalking of the brain! Not sure of all these expressions in English...I've been 40 years in Norway.
In other words thank you :)
I am giggling at myself now.
My sister is on her way towards your continent, wow what a journey.
Hope she gets to meet you, that would be fun.
annanya x
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentCloudthings
Thu, 2012-05-03 06:46
Is your sister coming to Oz?
Is your sister coming to Oz? Will she head east also? Freo is a Looooooong way from Daylesford, it's a huge continent compared to Europes smaller countries... Sorry for digressing, comment on poem to follow xx
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
scribbler
Tue, 2012-04-24 21:54
Hello
In my opinion this clarifies the difference between poetic prose ( which Judy's prose submission skirted on the edge of) and descriptive free verse. I reckon it shows through in the mild alliteration and increased imagery as well as the altered form. "Amid this measured moment, stilled", almost a one line summation . In s-l. L-2 I'd consider inserting "in" before her..................stan
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-04-25 13:51
Thank you stan
Yes I too agree there one gets swept away with the less words.
I changed it, as I did with judyanne's suggestions, as to Jess,
I think I had better start a precis poem?
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-04-25 00:26
I think you did a fine job of converting this to verse,
yet I feel you could have taken more out while leaving more there.
No, I'm not going to explain myself.
cheers,
Jess
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Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-26 11:37
Hello,
I thought the assignment was to convert PLAIN PROSE to poetry. While the original prose is flowery prose, Ann does a good job with the conversion to poetry, IMHO. I liked these lines of poetry:
Treading gently, summer shyly steps into our minds,
the universe in her wisdom warns, and sends
this birth of newer climes, a hint, when we
in warm and comfortable clothes stay in,
where fires and books give solace for a while,
secure that, as yet in spring, earth does our hours beguile
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
judyanne
Thu, 2012-04-26 15:02
lol cat
are you having a go at me?
i did write a second couple of paragraphs of prose that was less 'flowery'
- but obviously ann didn't see it.
cheers
judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-04-27 14:06
Dear Judy,
Not having a go at you, just confused... don't worry, it is starting to feel normal, lol!
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2012-04-25 22:25
hi
I think both poems are a bit wordy. There is a lot of adjrctives and adverbs to make it descriptive otherwise it is a good conversion
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-29 01:56
annanya
you are so clever
i love the shortened version
- not so much the haiku as it loses a lot of imagery
- but a GREAT haiku
love and hugs
judyanne
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Sun, 2012-04-29 02:05
If I am clever
If I am clever
it is more in chance evocation
whereas when you are clever,
you get the images and rhymes,
the colours and movements
all there within the boundaries
of the given strict description of poetry,
this I cannot do.
More like Henry Miller, (no comparison)
unable to do something imposed on me,
I have to be free to write, and it comes
because I relax in its execution.
That has been my bug all my life,
not liking to be expected to be good at this or that,
and that attitude did me no good at school
where hidden inside me was a rebel.
Thank you for your nice comment judyanne,
annanya
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentCandlewitch
Mon, 2012-04-30 14:46
hello!
I love your final edit. On reading... I was taken with these lines:
Hushed, the birds perched waiting, blown by icy winds
amid this measured movement, stilled,
no more the glint of a prism's beams
when touched by dawn's illumination
delicate as the rose's bloom, now faded
into shadowy canopies and gloomy
darkness filled the scene with milky grey
I'm in a pensive mood today. I think your conversion is a fine job accomplished!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-30 20:51
Hi Ann
I think the idea of changing to Haiku took a bit of "guts" (was going to say balls lol). But now you need to decide which poem you want to use for final edit. I think leaving them all posred might be a good idea, just identify which is your choice..............stan
Nordic cloud
Tue, 2012-05-01 02:29
work on the theme ad infinitum
One could work on the theme ad infinitum,
but, there has to be a stop, I looked again at
my efforts and remade the last one,
and now submit that as my choice. Okay?
No, I have no balls, but lots of cogs!
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentCloudthings
Thu, 2012-05-03 06:59
OOOps doubled up... see below
OOOps doubled up... see below
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
Cloudthings
Thu, 2012-05-03 06:57
How on earth did I miss this?!!!
Dearest Annushka, what a wonderful job you did here, a beautiful prose to work from too, but I do think you deserve a big Bravo for making it your own when it could have been so easy to just rearrange into a beautiful poem without a lot of work the way Judy wrote it... Lovely eh?
My point is (waffle aside), I LOVE them all & admire your transformations, & I agree, I think the last shows you as a most competent writer of poetry, offering a beautiful version of the given prose, very succinctly & descriptively... & most of all... poetically.
I also initially posted 3 versions that were quite different, since then I have changed all of them & ended up posting the very first one which I didn't change so much... all good experience eh?
Lovely read xx
Anni cloudsister
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
Nordic cloud
Thu, 2012-05-03 15:33
Oh I HAVE to respond to this,
Oh I HAVE to respond to this, you give me wings to fly among your own clouds and I thank you Anni, yours is the eye of a poet too. Just today someone complimented me by saying suddenly, as she pointed to a tree with new green leaves on it, "Oh I am looking with Ann's eyes." If I can do that, give someone else joy, as you say in your quote, that MUST be one of the greatest joys for all. Lets dance-just seen: The Artist, film. it was a 'tad' sentimental, I can understand American's going gooey about it, but I didn't. The only thing that, as I was wearing my brilliant yellow full circle 'Bollywood' dress, I fair danced out of the cinema, to the amusement and embarrassment of the other four ladies from my French class!
My sister sent an sms from "Am up at Lord Byron? stood at Oz's most westerly point, you would love ...abode in the rain forest....." I can send you her itinerary wow! She might manage to see judyanne in 'Perth.....'
Thank you again Anni for your comment. Annin the clouds.
Yes judyanne, your piece needed no poetry made of it, it was lovely as it was.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentjudyanne
Thu, 2012-05-03 15:37
rotflmao annanya
'lord byron' ... lol
byron bay :)
love judyanne
xxxc
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Thu, 2012-05-03 15:48
I haven't looked it up yet.
I haven't looked it up yet.
You have some of Lord Byron's descriptive flair judyanne...
Stanza 25 Canto 2nd Child Harold's Pilgrimage.
Lord George Gordon Byron
To sit on rocks, to muse o'er flood and fell,
To slowly brace the forest's shady scene,
Where things that own not man's dominian dwell,
And mortal foot hath ne'er or rarely been,
To climb the trackless mountain all unseen,
Alone o'er steeps and foaming falls to lean;
This is not solitude; 'tis but to hold
Converse with nature's charms, and view her stores unroll'd.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentCloudthings
Sun, 2012-05-06 03:59
ps, they are OUR clouds my sister!!!
What a lovely compliment to you "through Ann's eyes", & I know exactly what they meant!!!
Do you mean Byron bay? It is the most easterly (not west) point (the lighthouse) been there quite a bit, have lots of friends living there too... Hippy heaven with a tourist overlay I'm afraid. But still very beautiful.
So she is in the east now then, will she head South? Let her know if she comes to Victoria I would do what I can to show her around (pretty crazy here right now... I think I got my birthday wish!!! We just put in an offer on a house that we all actually fit into without going insane for lack of space or access to stuff that has been in storage for nearly 3 years!!!) If she were August, we might have room for her to stay all going well!
Love the writing & the last poem the best.
Cheers... ps, they are OUR clouds my sister!!!
Anni xx
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-03 21:19
Hello
In my opinion your final version really took this and made it yours. Your style even showed through..........stan
Nordic cloud
Fri, 2012-05-04 09:54
Thank you stan,
Thank you stan,
I feel I was favoured by the ballot, something so beautifully full of
poetry to start with, judyanne, I should have had something more
difficult perhaps, to try me?
I have had great fun playing with it all, and watching the others do the same.
Thank you for the subject, it made for interesting reading behind the scenes.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
author commentBarbara Writes
Fri, 2012-05-04 16:15
you are havving fun
With this nicely done poem from. Prose
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community