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Death Uncovered

Submitted by Warrior Princess on Mon, 2022-07-04 18:26

Screams of voices enveloped the air!
Weeping sadness of sorrow;
All was still, no wind blowing;
Only the scent of the pungent blood;
There the body lay

Wait, is it me? I am not dead!
I saw the blue skies, the golden sun;
I hugged and kissed my daughter;
As she left for School this morning;
Is it a dream or is it real?
Am I a ghost?

He entered my room matchet in his hand;
Put force to this tool and started chopping me through;
The stabbing pain punctured my heart like a needle severing my brain;
I started to weep but my voice was choked;
Till my lungs could not inhale or exhale;
The windows shook, and spoke to me;
They said you could have escaped;
I saw the door closing in on me;
Shrivelled up in despair.

Then a bright light shone on her.
And her spirit parted out;
There she was looking at herself;
Lying in the tormented house in a pool of blood;
Chopped in pieces like raw meat;
Her pain has ended, yet she reflected;
I should have told someone and been a survivor;
I should have told someone choosing not to be a victim;
Instead now am a ghost!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Kindly share your comments, or perspective on this piece and where improvements are needed. Thanks for taking the time to read and share your comments. I sincerely appreciate it.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-07-05 06:28

dear Warrior Princess,

as you have the word "air" twice, in close proximity, in this line perhaps:
The air was still, no wind blowing; you could say (all was still, no wind blowing) instead.
There the body laid. (there the body lay)
Wait(,) is it me? I am not dead! (a comma helps with the pause or rest break)
He entered my room(,) (matchet) in his hand; (hatchet) add comma and correct misspelled word
I started to (bawl) but my voice was choked; (weep) it just sounds better.
And said you could have escaped, escape, escaped; (They said, you could have escaped) don't repeat the word. drop (And)
Stifling me to and fro! (this line is clunky and stifling isn't the word you want.
Should I had tell someone and choose not a victim; (I should have told someone, choosing not to be a victim)

this poem is full of domestic abuse and chills the reader! thanks for posting it...

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Warrior Princess

Tue, 2022-07-05 18:41

Hi Candlewitch, thank you for

Hi Candlewitch, thank you for taking the time and effort to edit my poem and grammatical changes. However, can you enlighten me on the corrections of the word 'stifle'? In this piece of writing, I meant to say the person was dying and in her mind, the only faithful witnesses were the door and the house. It seem that the bedroom door was squeezing her as her life force was leaving her. Not sure what word to replace or what you meant.

Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "

author comment

Warrior Princess

Tue, 2022-07-05 18:54

Candlewitch the word 'matchet

Candlewitch the word 'matchet' was used as I was referring to the cutlass as the tool used for domestic violence.

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2022-07-06 08:37

I am sorry, strife is the wrong word...

maybe, (buffeted) me to and fro.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Warrior Princess

Wed, 2022-07-06 19:50

Hi Candlewitch the word in

Hi Candlewitch the word in that line is not strife but 'stifling' like suffocating me to and fro. I must say thank you though for the suggestions but I used a suggestion Jackweb offered. Many thanks.

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Tue, 2022-07-05 06:31

Haunting

The spirit have self knowledge and regret is key to the feeling. I like it’s from that perspective. What an excellent premise for a poem. Very creative.

Really cool idea, nice execution,
Tim

Warrior Princess

Tue, 2022-07-05 18:44

Hi, Tim thank you for sharing

Hi, Tim thank you for sharing your perspective on this piece and taking the time to read it. Your comment is very inspirational.

author comment

Jackweb

Tue, 2022-07-05 07:54

Excellent composition!

I totally agree with Cat critiques on your poem.
I still want to pinpoint other lines left.

One of the deep fundamentals of poetry is the recurrence of sounds, syllables, words, phrases, lines, and stanzas. Repetition can be one of the most intoxicating features of poetry.
Look at stanza 2, line 6: "I am a ghost, ghost, ghost!" I don't see the importance of that repetition. But if you insist on making it a six line verse, I would prefer making it a rhetorical question like: "Am I a ghost! " This will keep the reader thinking.

And the last stanza still have another repetition.
"Instead now am a ghost, ghost, ghost! In this line, one use of ghost is enough and is very understandable. Read the repeated word aloud and you will understand it more better.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Warrior Princess

Tue, 2022-07-05 18:48