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Cyber repentance

Submitted by temidayo on Mon, 2012-05-07 17:09

Cyber repentance
------------------------------------
-------
I am an errant document, I
ask u edit my life format my
soul.eject and recycle any
corrupt thought i file against
persons i consider my foes. No
longer do I need to
photoshop d image people
have of me.or download
inputs of d devil. Cos they
damage like worms eating the
motherboard of my soul.
Penetrating my stand like
trojans. like wifi i seek ur
presence. I upload my praise.
May I always connect2 ur
reception
Now and for
All eternity. Enter. Amen

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Sun, 2012-05-20 21:22

Esker's picture

I put in an ectra line in my version of your
poem when I read this

"may I always connect2 ur
reception we just need
some focus on the good
perception
Now and for
all eternity..."

tonight Im trying to go through the
poems that need some words
and in doing so Have found your
poems in this quiet mid work quest
(in a break from housecleaning here
My part time job is making plaster
casts in an orthopeadic lab and sculpting
them from the two techies prompts)

Nice to meet you!

judyanne

Mon, 2012-05-21 00:58

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

I really like this. the metaphor and symbolisms used are excellent
at first I was going to crit the use of text shortenings, but then on second and third reads I see they are appropriate, and on each read I marvelled anew at the sheer cleverness of it
especially
‘like worms eating the
motherboard of my soul.
Penetrating my stand like
trojans.’

and I just love the end
‘May I always connect2 ur
reception
Now and for
All eternity. Enter. Amen’
- although I wonder if reversing the order of the last two words might work better?
‘May I always connect2 ur
reception
Now and for
All eternity. Amen. Enter’

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

temidayo

Wed, 2012-05-23 18:47

temidayo's picture

I actually wanted the amen the prayer.end.to hit a sealed on.our.prayers like we hit on.enter to send prompts into a system. and I felt one will.do the work.of.the other enter will.end the action or send up the activity.but if you remove enter,amen does not conclude.a computer activity, enter sort of does,but it's cool.,you came round to reading it. I appreciate,yes sir,nice meeting you too. I also work in a lab,not as a lab rat or guinea pig for the ld40 test. lol thank.God no! but as a lab attendant who runs blood tests like full blood count,retroviral test and all those nasty things that catch up with people. thanks to the great Judy! I have been busy offline am tryna get a certain group of.people get free eye examinations,for preventive purposes,since I work in.a university teaching hospital it won't be too hard,I don't need anything but the respondent group! lol. but I will.still.spare my eyes some poetry every now and then. thank you again

author comment

temidayo

Wed, 2012-05-23 18:47

temidayo's picture

I actually wanted the amen the prayer.end.to hit a sealed on.our.prayers like we hit on.enter to send prompts into a system. and I felt one will.do the work.of.the other enter will.end the action or send up the activity.but if you remove enter,amen does not conclude.a computer activity, enter sort of does,but it's cool.,you came round to reading it. I appreciate,yes sir,nice meeting you too. I also work in a lab,not as a lab rat or guinea pig for the ld40 test. lol thank.God no! but as a lab attendant who runs blood tests like full blood count,retroviral test and all those nasty things that catch up with people. thanks to the great Judy! I have been busy offline am tryna get a certain group of.people get free eye examinations,for preventive purposes,since I work in.a university teaching hospital it won't be too hard,I don't need anything but the respondent group! lol. but I will.still.spare my eyes some poetry every now and then. thank you again

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2012-05-23 22:32

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

about the 'enter' thing
it is why i suggested it to be at the VERY end :)

i did NOT suggest you remove it :(

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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