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CRASHES--edit

Submitted by Geremia on Mon, 2012-07-02 22:12

CRASHES
The trees swayed frozen
in the wind
like gallows heavy
with their burden
and the garden was stunned
by a sudden crash
of winter.
no smell of coffee
warmed the kitchen.
no voices the heart.
all souls fell fallow
by a sudden crash
of mourning

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Tue, 2012-07-03 01:23

Esker's picture

"all souls fell fallow
by the suddness
of mourning"

I always rush my lines sometimes
like a tram departing a stop

I dont know what meter or beat is
just a feeling

Ive been influenced by rap
and music
Linkin Park especially

I like the speed of this though
when I read it
the abstractions crisp
and moving

unusually different
from your usual and I like it

Thank You

Geremia

Tue, 2012-07-03 02:26

Geremia's picture

Thanks. Your line reads better.

author comment

BlueDemon77

Tue, 2012-07-03 02:49

BlueDemon77's picture

I'm impressed. The 1/2 symmetry is effective, and as with many of my favorite poems it leaves just a blinding flash on my emotional memory that rings true and stays there white hot in my mind's eye. I also must complement you on the detachment you showed here. I'm not sure if that is the correct word but never did the pronoun "I" appear. It's something I aspire to as a poet. Thank you and I will look forward with great excitement to see your next works.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Kailashana2

Wed, 2012-07-04 10:13

I too, have read your recent works, Joe. It seems you've come into your own style, brief and packing everything into a few lines. Nary a whine, well done and L'Chaim!

~A

Geremia

Wed, 2012-07-04 11:25

Geremia's picture

Thanks.

author comment
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