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at night when the still is visible
and i bank fluorescent tears,
my heart i bathe in blissless grace,
while i page the angry years

at night when the blanket covers
the indifference of the day,
we muse and we ponder
over our merry world and Frey

at night a dream in wander
find me in feeble sleep
and in a frantic moment
my psyche mount to steep

at night i hide my spirit
to disguise a conflict'd mind
and mull over Jove
and all the negations that bind

at dawn i lay my bidding
on the altar's tablet of clay
and watch the sun's face smiling
gently, with each burst of ray

Editing stage: 


I can feel the tension build from verse to verse and then yield to the calm of sunrise in the last verse. Nice dynamic!


My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

thnx for posting

author comment

Your wandering meter strays a little here. In others of your poems I find it useful, here perhaps a little jarring.

A couple of other things.
at night when the still is visible
the still? It might just be me but I thought of moonlighting whiskey, is that your intent? Otherwise perhaps:
at night when the still are visible
at night when still things arevisible

my heart bathe in blissless grace, [bathes]
my psyche mount to steep [too?]

Do you find my approach "tearing the poem apart"? Or helpful?

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

what I said in another context, against me, Jess, off course not. I am rather grateful for the comment. Still.... I am talking about tranquility here. As for bathe... thought bathes will disrupt the flow or meter. Thnx for the comment in any case.

author comment

Again I feel a liitle in awe of commenting here but ...
I agree with Joe, looks to be a fine start.
I also agree with several of the things that Jess pointed out. But I was OK with the still. I would however add that in s3 l2, finds is more grammatically suited.

really need your input.

author comment

Only change i would make is ( my heart i bathe in blissless grace) apart from that i think it's perfect. Great work. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

why haven't i thought of that.... thanx for visiting.

author comment

It's amazing how one tiny change can affect the entire poem.
I guess that's what we're here for.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

conflict was the theme in our happy rest...when all would
fall asleep my nerves would be
rattled..would slip out the window
sit on the leaning roof beside
the cuppola moonlight and mist\
on the swamps listening to the
shimmering sound of traffic
on the distant main highway
watching moths go round the
bulb lamp on the corner street
below our lawn
head full of the years of watching
vietnam six and eleven
then fridy nite arguments
and weekend spats
hitting public school with
three hours sleep
dreams of vivid horror
or absolute peace..
i floated beyond on those
dreams....then life
with all its tours
doing the same for every
outfit i volunteered for
lifer for life..
still smells..faces
can set me off..
aromas...sounds especially
for some reason..
I take meds to cut down
the whitecaps
adrenalin days I call em
but gives me an edge
nights are the hardest
i rare sleep
till i have too
then its two days of
just bed rest

stillness's 'appearance'
the distilling process
which elf describes
is apt..
and anguish
and then to be happy
to have another day
to smooth over all
the former...

excellent writing
i can relate too..

thank U


i sincerely hope you put all that dread behind you. thnx for commenting.
ps. thats what shapes us.

author comment

spit on..driven to streets
whereupon mother russia welcomes them
like heros...
each state had its own objectives
patch badge.long as u tow line
all is outside that and fine

anyway...I hear U...I put it where it belongs
in a box handy...
and it shape us...

i am not a moralist but a believer in the grey
and gritty in which upon the world exists
and bosses capos and underlings
taught me that on the harsh road...

but this is a play site for the most part
so play it is
with fictional story telling..
thank u!


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