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Carefree

Experienced darkness

enveloping blackness

I'm a blank canvas

death would be bliss

Memories haunt

enemies flaunt

dreams taunt

life I no longer want

Lost in a maze

a disturbed gaze

happiness no trace

hell I can face

Be happy for me

I'll be finally free

hold me in your memory

imagine me carefree

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

It sounds so dark to be carefree, i imagine carefree to be untangled from such thoughts. But when you read it at speed it has a carefree ring to it, only crit is maybe you could play a little with the position of the words. I will return to see if you try anything different, as i have a few suggestions. A heartfelt welcome to Neopoet. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

thanks so much for reading and commenting would love to hear your suggestions and thanks for the welcome cheers x

author comment

and a no nonsense trance like dance feel to its flow

its very mystical and at this time of year for our north
america weather its perfect

Love the "Love haunted" imagery
can almost see the drummers and hear
the Ullieann pipes see the woods
or clearing!!

Thank You!

Hi Esker thanks so much for a wonderful comment so glad u enjoyed all the best Sueb x

author comment

I had to decide if I liked the shortened lines I think you just pull it off, its hard with shorter lines to not make them stilted, I dont know if the title really fits its such a dark poem to be seen as Carefree I would consider changing it and the ending maybe build a small light at the end of the tunnel to not make carefree seem so odd in this case ... just a few thoughts

I remember when I started here I made all the same mistakes and still do sometimes lol no such thing as a perfect poet ;)

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thats how he thinks he'll be carefree i think it adds too the darkness what's on his mind thanks for reading and commenting much appreciated cheers x

author comment

Fair enough I got what the meaning was but I felt it was an odd ending maybe if you had him seeking to let go before the ending ... I dont know maybe its me

its a good poem I just thought it could be made better

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thank Jayne-chloe x

author comment

I hope I havent in some way insulted you but having lived with schizophrenia and depression for fifteen years with two failed suicide attmepts I understood the poem and the reason why you chose that ending

I will be more careful in the future what words I choose to use sorry if my comments offended

sincerely JC

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

JC u didn't offend me at all and I appreciated your comments and reading very much I'm sorry I made u feel u did and I'm sorry to hear of your troubles hope u feel better big hugs x

author comment

I like the ending here
Sueb

i met people who were tortured
and fell into the dark
seeing them the last few times
they were funnier then I with jokes
popularity but something bothered
them...losses uncertianty a weight
the failed loves...etc

The last line gets me and I nod in this
agreement Uh Huh to it
I remember my friend Grant
funny..always a joke or something
wise to share..we worked construction
and told stoires etc
both had daughters from previous ex;s
but he was sad which I could relate too
the depression we both fought

I saw him last in his easy chair
drinking..he was resigned but happy
not angry

he died of a heart attack from addiction
not fifty and I went to his funeral
It greatly affected me

but in time I remember the joking the
laughing we did....when Im down all
I hear is his voice and feel him shoving
me on the shoulder like he use too do
We used to walk and get smokes when
I smoked

Your poem has much truth
he didnt try to work it out with counsellors
and I did
I made it to here still

when I think of him all I do too is think of
him away from that weight that hurt
on him If death is like sleeping
well thats a rest isnt it

and he didnt sleep well at night
he said
always in his easy chair
the television going

I dont want to think of him
sad and unhappy
I think of his joking and us
laughing

a more carefree moment

Thank You Sueb

Hi Esker I've had two people close to me commit suicide and they seemed to be on the mend and happier when it happened so sad and torturous to those left behind thanks so much for commenting again and for getting cheers Sue b x

author comment

I call it that because if I fell in love with it I would be dead
and the love of people for me and Me for them
over rode this..and the system we have here that allowed me to
get pulled from snow banks when I didnt care
when I was sad
and drank

took my meds too much
ended up in hospital again and again
They just told me they knew I was just
finding help this way but they were concerned
the last few times that one day they
said I just wouldnt make it to the hospital
and it would be an accident
and I would be gone

Yes and life isnt tidy
I was happier before I ran off and
played with death
the near overdoses were horrid
feel like I was dying with my heart
driving way too fast
my skin crawling
the crew working on me in emerg
the one big last one I had hiccups
from the meds or the alcohol
damaging my muscles in the diaphram
or stomach or brain I had to drink
cold water like four cups at work
and at home to sleep even
Four days of that!!!!
to hide what I had done to myself

depression is horrible
but Im working through it
these days

No happy endings..
Ive met normal people who got cancer
and or died in accidents
but the ones who just decide to end it
in one way or another
those are the harder ones

I just think if my friend had of gotten
his life the one portion that would
do him great harm that part in control
at least he could have made it to here
but sometimes that hurt is too great
they say I just am doing what I can
for me pushing through that darkness
by going straight through it

a lot is growing up and being responsible
too now I will be fifty next july and I
have much to offer many
here and at work on neo etc
in my city

Move aside the issues something I can do
now...and I can see the appreciation for life
I can call people now when that dark wing
covers me rather then cuddle up to it
and fall into that void with junk

and sometimes people are just going to go

Thank You

What a joy u didn't succeed and glad to hear your doing much better thanks again for sharing and liking the poem which is personal to me have a gr8 day x

author comment
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