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Broken Hero
Born high and mighty, a Troy
Now but a broken toy
With no one left to cry
No matter how hard the try
From hero to zero
He has but become a Broken Hero.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sun, 2012-01-29 03:27
With a classical reference like Troy
a city, not a person, I kind of expected more substance.
What caused the fall?
To stick to the the classical reference, what was the Achilles Heel?
Reads nicely, good control of language.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
WonderGolly
Sun, 2012-01-29 07:02
Wierdelf,,,,
thank you for the read and the missing substances suggested for this piece. I appreciate it. would work on it.
respects.
WonderGolly :)
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2012-01-29 07:07
I forgot to welcome you to the site. Welcome.
I may give tough feedback sometimes but I mean well. Let me know any way I can help.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
WonderGolly
Sun, 2012-01-29 07:19
Wierdelf,,,,
It's nice to be a part of a great community like neopoet. thank you for the welcome. I have conditioned myself to relate positively to feedback from readers. I know I have a lot to learn and I am thankful to you in advance for your offer to help.
blessings.
WonderGolly :)
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2012-01-31 18:28
What Jess said.
The subject matter does demand a little more oomph in the poem. Size at least or if short, then a witty comparison with our world that catches everyone off guard.
I have a great love for the stories out of the Hellenistic Age. A poet could remain there his entire life and never want for material.
This poem needs a little storytelling.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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WonderGolly
Wed, 2012-02-01 05:18
hello Wesley,,,
Jess pointed it out to me the poem need more flesh to spice up the meaning or the message been carried in it. Showed it to friends around me and they also thought the same. So, I've been trying to rewrite it again. Could take time but I promise to work on it.
thanks for the read and great having you around.
respects.
WonderGolly :)
"Time is all that we have. Yet Time won't give us more Time."
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
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