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Brave Hearts (prose) reformatted

Brave Hearts
Winter was decked out white, in a soft velvet mantle. They came across the compass rose through the driven snow to meet. He memorized her eyes over cigarettes and cappuccino at the corner table. Muffled music played inside his spinning head.

Within the winter of his heart was the marriage of sultry, smoky, Jazz with his dreams of loving. Inside the cafe, reflective conversation could be heard through the ceiling tiles. He felt muted longing in the intensity of the echoing ache that was the vast, empty cavern of his heart.

All too soon their cups were drained. Buttoning her coat, she led him to the street where, together, they huddled against the frigid gusts of ice crystal swirls, seeking soft warm flesh. His beloved and he, laughing and clinging, becoming an exquisite whisper in their shadow world of stored memories, bucking, against the callous winds of time.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is another piece to be included in my manuscript, Mirror/rorriM * thanks for all the great suggestions!
Editing stage: 

Comments

Very vivid imagery in this piece. You could almost feel the cold gusts. In fact it reminded me of an exact point tin time of my life.Where this scene was for real
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thank you. I hope it was a good memory that this piece helped you to recall.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Very sad and melancholic

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

I am so sorry if I have opened an old wound. (((Hugs))) and a cup of tea.

Love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

but (and I know I'm gonna get it for this) it doesn't "feel" like poetry. A sharp piece of prose that paints a picture very successfully. The language is gorgeous, the characters are real, it just doesn't read like a poem.
Don't hate me.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I don't hate you, lol. Yes it is prose. But there is no listing to post prose under, so I posted here. I'm glad you enjoyed the imagery.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Now I can like it without reservations. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

:)

Glad to have eased your mind. By the way, I always enjoy your critiques and comments!

Thanks, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

It is my understanding that prose should be punctuated as if writing a letter, so you might review this with that in mind. Now I'll give some alternatives you might consider (or not lol) :
L-8 change playing to played to maintain tense
L-15 and 16 using hollowed and empty seems redundant when used this close together
L-21 try seeking soft warm flesh
Last line unbiased seems wrong for some reason. Maybe something like uncaring?
This conveys the imagery and emotions well and I hope my suggestions are of some use.......stan

This piece is going into my "Mirror/rorriM" manuscript, so I really appreciate all your suggestions. I will carefully consider them all in the next few days. Thanks for reading and offering help.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

i agree with wes here. i, too, have fallen into the trap of chopping up a prose piece to look like poetry and then later told that it would've been just as effective written in standard form. my only other problem is, since it's prose, you probably don't have to capitalize the first leter of every line.
but it's still a great piece. flows nicely and the imagery is spot on. thx for this one.

t_f

I will definititely think about reformating! Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Nice chatting with you the other day.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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