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BLOOD WANDERER POV VERSION
When I saw you float in
I felt your presence your
Dominance your finger
Tips. Your outside breath
Tickle my ear my silk skin
my toungue rolls around it's
a Thrill. Each tred you step
Im pulled closer to your loving
Web.I couldnt take my eyes away
When are cherry lips sticked
I felt my life energy evaporate.
A pumping throb in my chest
Every throb for your black heart
Is magnetised by your darkness.
A stranger I never knew
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-12-16 13:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "BLOOD WANDERER POV VERSION" is an exploration of attraction and desire, using vivid imagery and metaphor to convey the speaker's feelings. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in punctuation: There are some lines in the poem where punctuation is missing or inconsistent. For example, "When I saw you float in" could benefit from a comma or period at the end to separate it from the next line.
2. Spelling and grammar: There are a few spelling and grammar errors in the poem, such as "tred" instead of "tread", "are" instead of "our", and "sticked" instead of "stuck". These mistakes can distract from the overall impact of the poem.
3. Line breaks: The line breaks in the poem seem arbitrary and do not contribute to the overall rhythm or flow of the piece. For example, "my toungue rolls around it's" could be broken up differently to create a more effective rhythm.
4. Metaphor clarity: While the use of metaphor is strong in this poem, some metaphors could be clarified or developed further. For example, "A pumping throb in my chest" is a powerful image, but it could be linked more clearly to the preceding lines to enhance its impact.
Overall, the poem has a strong emotional core and uses vivid and evocative imagery. By addressing these issues, the poem could be made even more effective.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Jokerface82
Sat, 2023-12-16 07:03
Can't wait mr robot
Ruffle my feathers then pluck them out pahaha
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2023-12-16 13:19
I see that...
you have developed a relationship with the AI. LoL
Although the AI doesn't understand emotion very well, it does give some sound advice. I don't always agree with it, but I do look at what it has to say. Sometimes, I find it worthwhile. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jokerface82
Sat, 2023-12-16 16:40
I think it's sleepy joe
Joe Biden anyway not going into politics. O I appreciate all the advice it doesn't go unoticed
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2023-12-17 12:28
AI
And I have a love hate relationship. Rarely does it have anything nice to say to me but it does like my dark erotic poems. This definitely has a lot of promise and is definitely hot. I am guessing you are still working on it. Can't wait to see revisions.
~RoseBlack~
Jokerface82
Sun, 2023-12-17 14:22
Challenge
It' was a challenge trying to think from a woman's perspective lol thank you
author commentJokerface82
Sun, 2023-12-17 14:26
It's hard to keep it short and convey the important parts
Which is feelings. I could describe he had a marble carved jaw nordic sea blue eyes etc. Anyway it's based on a vampire flying in to her bedroom one night having his way and doing one pahaha
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