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Bed Magic
Snuggled in my bed
Wrapped in its enfolding warmth
Alarm jangles me
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I got to thinking about this one somewhere around the fifth time I hit the snooze button this morning. ;)
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Wisconsin, USA
Favorite Poets
Candlewitch: I've been reading her poetry for over forty years., Paul Simon: "The Sounds of Silence" got me interested, but "Patterns" and "A Poem On The Underground Wall" really hooked me., Gordon Lightfoot: I acquired his "Sundown" album while in the Navy. "Circle of Steel" resonated with me and I have been an avid fan since.
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-06-25 22:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Title: Bed Magic
Poem text:
Snuggled in my bed
Wrapped in enfolding warmth
Silence the alarm
This poem is a haiku, a form of Japanese poetry consisting of three lines with a syllable pattern of 5-7-5. The poem effectively adheres to this structure.
The imagery in the first two lines evokes a sense of comfort and coziness. The use of the words "snuggled" and "enfolding warmth" creates a vivid picture of being in bed, which is relatable to many readers. However, the third line introduces a sudden shift in tone with the mention of an alarm. This could be interpreted as the intrusion of reality into the peaceful scene, or as a reminder of the daily responsibilities that await outside the comfort of the bed.
To enhance the poem's impact, consider exploring the contrast between the comforting imagery and the alarm's intrusion more deeply. This could be achieved by using more evocative language or by further developing the imagery. Additionally, the title "Bed Magic" could be more closely connected to the content of the poem by emphasizing the enchanting or transformative aspects of the bed's warmth and comfort.
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Geezer
Mon, 2023-06-26 16:35
You could say...
Stop jangling alarm! Just a thought.
~ Geez.
.
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Unca Fez
Mon, 2023-06-26 21:05
Got Me Thinking
Your suggestion got me thinking and, though I didn't take it literally, it shaped the changes that I made. Thank you.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2023-06-27 00:29
Two...
thumbs up!
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Thu, 2023-06-29 07:20
dear unka,
I know this situation well. although i do not have an alarm clock waking me, I do wake up every morning at 4 am suddenly (my inner clock) I never sleep later than four. and it is jarringly that I awaken. this isn't bad for your first senryu ;)
* warm hugs, Cat
*
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