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Anticipation
The white blanket
of the early morning mist
caressed the lake’s glassy surface,
muffling the lonely call
of a distant loon.
The rhythmic squeak-thump
of the oar locks and
the gentle splash of the blades
were the only other sounds
that broke the stillness.
The tangy scent of pine
mixed with the earthy smell
of decaying leaves
as the dock and shore
receded in the boat’s wake.
Eyes bright with anticipation,
two children plied the oars,
visions of iridescent bluegills
and yellow-orange sunfish,
urging them to the island’s far side.
There, with poles made of cane
and simple cork bobbers,
hooks baited with worms
dug from the compost heap,
they would catch morning’s repast.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
The first three verses I'd written to set the scene for Candlewitch and eddy styx to complete. After playing with Microsoft Copilot, asking the AI tool to generate an image of two children in a boat, fishing, in northern Wisconsin, I decided to complete it based upon those images. (If you wish to see the images, they can be viewed at https://www.mythramuse.com/graphics/AI/Two_Children_In_A_Boat_Fishing_In_Northern_Wisconsin.htm)
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Author information
Region & Country
Wisconsin, USA
Favorite Poets
Candlewitch: I've been reading her poetry for over forty years., Paul Simon: "The Sounds of Silence" got me interested, but "Patterns" and "A Poem On The Underground Wall" really hooked me., Gordon Lightfoot: I acquired his "Sundown" album while in the Navy. "Circle of Steel" resonated with me and I have been an avid fan since.
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Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
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- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-12-21 03:43
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses sensory language to immerse the reader in the scene. The vivid imagery of the "white blanket of the early morning mist," the "rhythmic squeak-thump of the oar locks," and the "tangy scent of pine" all contribute to a strong sense of place. The use of these sensory details helps to create a vivid and engaging setting for the reader.
The poem also uses the anticipation of the two children to build tension and engage the reader's interest. The final stanza, in which the children's plan is revealed, provides a satisfying resolution to this build-up of anticipation.
However, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative arc. While the anticipation of the children is a compelling element, it is introduced relatively late in the poem. Establishing this anticipation earlier could help to engage the reader's interest from the beginning.
Additionally, while the poem's language is generally effective, there are moments where it could be more precise. For example, the phrase "visions of iridescent bluegills and yellow-orange sunfish" is somewhat vague. More specific language could help to create a clearer image in the reader's mind.
Finally, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. The irregular meter can make the poem feel somewhat disjointed. A more consistent rhythm could help to create a more cohesive and engaging reading experience.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Thu, 2023-12-21 06:43
Hi Steve, great poem, I could
Hi Steve, great poem, I could see every element of the scene you painted, and all its beautiful colours. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Unca Fez
Thu, 2023-12-21 08:50
Thank you!
Thanks, Ruby. My focus on this one was imagery. Glad that it worked.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2023-12-21 08:52
Dear Steven,
I really love your beautiful and artistic descriptions. I could float away on them. My favorite lines are:
The tangy scent of pine
mixed with the earthy smell
of decaying leaves
as the dock and shore
receded in the boat’s wake.
I am so glad that you have ventured into the realm of writing poetry!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Unca Fez
Thu, 2023-12-21 09:48
I Am Learning
I am learning. I doubt that I will ever be as good as many of those that post here. I don't have your penchant or talent for writing. But thank you for your support. I will try to live up to your expectations.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentRoseBlack
Thu, 2023-12-21 12:15
Really
Enjoyed this. Your focus on imagery shows and was on point. I could see every bit of this little adventure. Well done.
~RoseBlack~
Unca Fez
Thu, 2023-12-21 12:37
Thank you!
Most of my writing experience has been with things like "software evaluation reports". Poetry has been a real stretch for me. Glad you liked it.
One thing that helped me with this is the memory of doing something very similar to this at my grandparents place on Otter Lake. Bluegills and Sunnies were standard fare.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentLavender
Thu, 2023-12-21 19:24
Anticipation
Hello, Steve,
So quiet and still - early morning. I followed the boat along the calm water and then felt the children's anticipation. Wonderful imagery!
Thank you,
L
Unca Fez
Thu, 2023-12-21 21:56
Thank you!
I have memories of mornings such as this, either with my grandfather on Otter Lake or with my father on a lake in Ontario. There is such peace in those moments. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2023-12-24 04:26
Dear Steven,
Congratulations on the win...It is well deserved!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Unca Fez
Sun, 2023-12-24 09:01
Thank you!
I did not "anticipate" this. ;)
Thanx,
Steve
author commentUnca Fez
Sun, 2023-12-24 10:44
BTW: You Are Responsible
You are responsible for pushing me to write. Apparently, you saw more in me than I did. Thank you!
Thanx,
Steve
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2023-12-24 08:02
Congratulations
Well done on such a fine poem!
~RoseBlack~
Unca Fez
Sun, 2023-12-24 10:43
Thanx!
For a long time, I never really considered writing poetry or prose. The standing joke in college was, "Four years ago, I couldn't spell 'enguneer'. Now I are one!" Thank you for providing feedback and encouragement.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentRuby Lord
Sun, 2023-12-24 08:09
Congratulations on your prize
Congratulations on your prize winning poem. Well deserved. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Unca Fez
Sun, 2023-12-24 10:46
Thanks!
Thank you for the continued feedback on what i submit. It is a part of why I could write it. The Neopoet community has added something to my life. I am grateful.
Thanx,
Steve
author commentWilliam Lynn
Sun, 2023-12-24 10:32
Hello Steve.
Hello Steve.
I thoroughly enjoyed the poem and found myself wishing I was one of those kids. It reminded me of some very special times with my dad, fishing the high sierra lakes of California, some seventy years ago. Thanks!
Unca Fez
Sun, 2023-12-24 10:49
My Grandfather Taught Me
My grandfather taught me to fish. My earliest memory of fishing was with him in a boat on Otter Lake fishing for yellow perch. It is that memory that helped create this poem. I'm glad that it brought back some special memories for you.
Thanx,
Steve
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