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The Bard and Others (a sonnet)

Some eat the biscuits, wear the finest silk
and travel 'way towards the furthest star.
They'd sleep on roses, wash with whitening milk.
They hardly bother; living lone and far.

Some feed on fodder, wear but heavy chains
and travel there, where mirth could never land.
They'd sleep on thorns to loose eternal pains
where utmost misery gives the hell a hand.

But bards would live on ink to feed the words
and sleep on livid sheets to bring on peace.
They'd soar with warbles and concerted birds
to line up tunes that tweet a gentle piece.

They'd pick the blinking stars and knit them chic~
unique and motive smiles to all would speak.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Not sure if your form is right but I loved the write.
I am a little behind with my poetry work hope to catch up soon must look for Digit, someone said he has gone to Bristol he seems to love the west country, if I am right it will be a place of interest..
Take care young lady, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

many thanks for being so active reading me and commenting though I'm almost idle these days.
I promise to try to catch up some of Digit's soon.
Thanks again.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Who are you?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I'm your protege . You really like it, don't you!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

I've sent you a message that explains more fully, but I'll say it here that others may hear...

You have matured and blossomed. You are no longer writing "Rula poems". Cute little happy things that have no organization, but still manage to make us smile.
You write with substance and grace. You must continue to change. Grow until "Rula poems" are forgotten and all we think of is how you are mastering poetic form. You move us with context and shape. You write nothing that is "cute". You write poetry. Real poetry. Quaterns, triolets, sonnets and on and on. Substance and power.
I am so proud of you and pleased beyond my ability to explain that I had anything at all to do with the growing and blossoming of this poetic flower.
Your colors are dark and rich. They reflect in the sun blinding us at times.

But what I am most excited about is that I know this is only the beginning. You have merely "found" your voice. You have yet to actually begin to speak. And when you do... it will break me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

same I was when I read your message. Your words and the trust mean a lot.
I wouldn't have done any of this though without the endless efforts of you, my neopoet
friends' and especially my dear Judy. Hope she won't hide for long. I really miss her.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Do you or anyone else know if she is well? Will she return. I know about disappearing for a time, but I am mildly concerned.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

and Judy promised to come back sometime soon but .... let's hope she'd fulfil her promise:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Your writing from that first piece to now has become Poetry of note,
You can blame whoever you like but I know that the pen is held in your hand,
Well done, you are what Neopoet is all about,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Here goes...
In the second line you use "towards" as a two syllable word. English doesn't work that way. Say the word. You will use only one syllable.
The connection between lines three and four is confused. Fix it.
Make a clear connection or make no connection at all. Wordsworth did this all the time and pissed me off in doing so. He said one thing that made sense and another that made sense alone, but used both in the same sentence as though a connection must be made. Wordsworth may be Coleridge's greatest achievement, but confusion is confusion.
Fix it.
Second stanza. You used "misery" as two syllables and not three in your meter. Bravo. Are you aware of it?
The metaphor in stanza three is mixed. However, these are the artist's and not the critic's. Sometimes, as the lady poet once said, when a poem is being read it is not the poet being judged, but the reader. If I do not keep up with your metaphor, your simile... it is not your problem, but mine.

In your last line you changed your tense. I do not believe it was particularly intentional. I think you simply said something from the heart.

However, it even has a name. And no...

I am not telling. Some things you must "seek" out yourself. For I have "sought" and found much. I will share much. I desire it. I have harsher things to say about your poetry, but hesitate because I love you and I am "kind" by nature. I am no Jeffrey Gibson, but I can break your poetry as well as he.

You have become spectacular, but it is time you kicked it up a piece. I have hopes that our coming workshop will give us that opportunity. You have become a marvelous "poet". ....... It is perhaps.... time you learned how to write.

To begin with... if I ever see another typographical error in ANYTHING you do... I will not only ream you... I will broadcast it to the entire website.
Every word the writer writes is critical. Each letter, each punctuation mark, each turn of grammatical phrasing must be INTENDED. That does not mean it must be correct. Understand. It must be intentional. You must be aware of it. Wrong or right is not important. Byron was a horrible grammaticist. Your words must be on purpose.

Never again will you allow a mistake to slip through your fingers. If I see it, it was on purpose for me to see it.

How's that fer bein' back? eh?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Welcome back sir!

But don't be harsher please. Not at the time being :)
I shall look into every word you've critiqued but not immediately. Give me a couple of days please as I have certain issues and I am already under stress.
I can't thank you enough though. Were you playing with me when you gave me the first comment a month ago? :)
Thank you again for both being here and for coming again to look into this piece.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Firstly, thank you for re-looking into this. You can never be harsh. I shall always hear your gentle voice whatever you say. I know it is always for the sake of improving my poetry and for that I am always grateful.

1. I have edited to fix the confusion between line three and four, hope it reads better or you have to bear with me and tell me what's wrong there and what do you suggest.
2. As for "towards", I find it in my dictionary as two syllables. On other dictionaries it is both one syllable and two. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/toward I understand what you mean but usually the dictionary is my reference when I feel confused.
3. Misery...I'm happy I've passed that test. :) 
4.I didn't get what you meant by the mixed metaphor in stanza three.
5. I edited the mixed tense in line 14. Any better now?

Again, I can't thank you enough.  

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

To be quite honest, I haven't checked the dictionary while writing neither for 'towards' nor for 'misery'.
When Wesley commented, I checked more than one dictionary for 'toward' as I always thought of it as a two syllabic word.
I think it is when we have these dialect differences that we need to check a "nutral" dictionary, but I guess we can never find one. :P

Ps. I thought Wesley's a southern bard too, isn't he?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Although I have been told I do not have a Southern California "accent". "They" say I sound more like I have come from Wales.
Go figure.
I think I sound like wesley.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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