Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

"Above Tree’s in Silhouette" - Narrative Workshop

The full moon rose over suburban streets
faint traces of daylight slowly draining
from a shadowed sky…
… bats swooped above tree silhouettes
darker shades against the night…
A perfect time to walk in fading light;
Branches echoed with a babbled chorus
as parrots squabbled for tree-space
and one by one lights shone
from regimented rows of houses…

There was a measure of stillness
as night took over from day
autumn kissed my aging cheeks
chill lips against my skin
as a muted sense of calmness
permeated the quiet streets
somewhere a dog barked
and the last echoes of children playing
fell to silence…

As I ambled through the twi-lit streets
my youngest son, at 30, slowed his pace to match his mum’s...
… yes, the same mum who had hurried his little feet to school-
- stopped to tie his scuffed shoes… held his small hand in hers
and smiled… come on son, we’ll be late…
… as if sensing my poignant thoughts my man-child
smiled at me, nice night, was all he said.

How things change, as the years change
pace slows and thoughts take on reflective layers
each passing month… each year that slips by
offers insights new and rewarding
as a full moon rose over suburban streets
faint traces of daylight slowly drained
from a shadowed sky and I realized
perhaps the truest test of time
is to find such peace
where ever one resides.

Sharonlee Imageweaver

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Re-posting my comments from the workshop to make it easier for Scribbler to track who did what. Really enjoyed this piece.

So good Sharonlee! I felt as if I was walking along with you and your son - the imagery was just right, and VERY effective! A beautiful piece that may not have been possible in your youth, given the last stanza - well done!

Michael Anthony

... and thank you... the years do infuse layers of understanding in most of us...
I appreciate your comment and hope that I can find your contribution.
Sharonlee Imageweaver

author comment

this one! I got the picture immediately and was lost in her memories too! Only thing, I would change; is the repetition of the line: [as a full moon rose over suburban streets, faint traces of day-light slowly drained from a shadowed sky] When I saw it, I immediately went back to the beginning where I saw it and it interrupted the ending. Maybe say something like: Another day's
twilight walk from so long ago, or something to make the connection of that day, but in doing it word for word, it gives the impression of a line that was mistakenly inserted. Otherwise, a really good piece of work! ~ Geez.
.

My chatroom is taking a break
if you have ideas about times that
are convenient and subjects
to talk about, contact me and we can discuss it
Thank you for your participation.
.

Thank you for your comment and feedback... a little repetition is a poetic styling of mine, I hadn't realised it could lead to confusion, will take this into consideration in future.

Sharonlee Imageweaver

author comment

me! Maybe the way I read it or something. Nobody else seemed to mind.
Geez.
.

My chatroom is taking a break
if you have ideas about times that
are convenient and subjects
to talk about, contact me and we can discuss it
Thank you for your participation.
.

your title is very inviting and it promises a peaceful read, one that allows the reader to settle down in their chair with a cup of good coffee. I love an imagery rich piece that is descriptive, and this is one of those writes. the nostalgia is just right, not over done like so many are. it allows the reader to float gently along, instead of drowning in it. your conclusion ties it together neatly. good job!

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, I'm glad I wasn't too descriptive, I actually use to get reprimanded by my English teacher in school for overuse of descriptive passages!

Sharonlee Imageweaver

author comment

A good tale of a recollection of a simple walk but also of the journey which brought you there. I have suggest for the ending which you are of course free to ignore lol :
offers insights new and rewarding
as a full moon rose over suburban streets
faint traces of daylight slowly drained
from a shadowed sky and I...
I at last realized
perhaps the truest test of time
is to find such peace
where ever one resides.

I think this might add more impact to the final 3 lines

Thank you for your comment and feedback.
Your suggestion is a valid one... unfortunately I haven't realised there is peace to found wherever one resides and loathe life within the confinement of suburban streets, as peaceful as I may have made it sound.

I miss my wilderness, where trees outnumber people.

I hope that I can find everyone's contributions. I find Stream a little confusing.

Sharonlee Imageweaver

author comment

sharpen their knives lol. As to finding shop poems on stream just look for "narrative workshop" next to title

I love the full circle starting and finishing with the same image. I think its hard sometimes to write a purely narrative poem and I think your poem falls on the cusp between narrative and lyric but I like that. The son came as a surprise and almost felt out of place almost an intrusion after two stanzas of scene setting and imagery. I wonder if you could add him early so the reader knows its not a solo walk.
Some beautiful imagery.

Thank you for your thoughts... I wondered if I had introduced my son a bit late into the storytelling... I suppose we were walking somewhat solitary yet together, each content to think our own thoughts.
I appreciate your feedback.

Sharonlee Imageweaver

author comment

you use the scenes of the night to full-effectiveness, and wow in the middle I was surprised what you were trying to achieve in this piece. Full marks to you.

P.S strangely I found the repetition appealing, made the ending line more impactful.

Thank you so much and lovely to meet you.

I find a few repeating lines are soothing sometimes.
Two well-known poets, Poe and Dickinson are known to use a little repetition...
I appreciate your comment and thoughts.

Sharonlee Imageweaver

author comment

I appreciate the time it took to develop the piece. Words well-chosen. I wasn’t really sure that this was from a mother’s point ofview, until the last two stanzas... nice turn there. The opening stanzas are as if from a movie, it’s that well portrayed. Nice work!

I wish I could write the imagery as well as you do!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.