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Merwin's lion (workshop on The Nomad Fute

Since I think I this poem is perfect, and needs no perfection either in thought or how it is written, I can only add my version of it following Merwin's poem.

The Nomad Flute

You that sang to me once sing to me now
let me hear your long lifted note
survive with me
the star is fading
I can think farther than that but I forget
do you hear me

do you still hear me
does your air
remember you
oh breath of morning
night song morning song
I have with me
all that I do not know
I have lost none of it

but I know better now
than to ask you
where you learned that music
where any of it came from
once there were lions in China

I will listen until the flute stops
and the light is old again

~~~~~~~~~~~

Merwin's lions

in China lions roared
once
and the Nomad Flute
wrote poems because of this

I listened and followed
its hollow sound
night stars outlined my destination
and evening stars lifted me

I listen still.

Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

version much better than his! Two things about Merwin's Lion bothered me. One was, that he used no puncuation. The other was that I had to really work at getting the idea of the poem. [ I'm still not sure that I got the original idea.] I thought that it might have been someone that is a little addled; reliving days gone by?
~ Gee

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I refuse to go into the punctuation *problem* again.

However, once there were lions in China.

Once there were..... think about things that once were. And then think about things that we don't know we don't know and then think about things we don't know we know.

~A

author comment

that you go into the puncuation "problem" again. I was just saying that it posed a wee problem for myself. As to what we don't know that we know, what we don't know that we don't know, and what we know about what we know, it all boils down to having 20-20 hindsight. ~ Gee

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I understand perfectly an inability to re-write something one considers exemplary. Your version is almost a summary of the original. Your grasp and use of imaginative language is kind of missing here. It gives the feeling of a poem written under duress. It doesn't read like your poetry.
Hope I'm not out of line.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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That's funny Wes. I don't like it either. And you don't like it because it's missing that missingness.

All of it is laid out on the page. Which, for some folks, IS poetry. No work that is soul-searching, head-banging and emotionally rife with possibility.

Thank you so very much, Wes for understanding the difference between a poem that is handed to you and one that is the poetry I live for.

~Anna.

author comment

How about you re-write one of mine? At last count I have about 23,000 lines in the big poem. It shouldn't take you but an afternoon and there is nothing profound to worry about.
Yes, of course that was a joke.
Sort of.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

How about you re-write one of mine? At last count I have about 23,000 lines in the big poem. It shouldn't take you but an afternoon and there is nothing profound to worry about.
Yes, of course that was a joke.
Sort of.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks for participating, Anna, once again our lines of communication crossed but that has never diminished you to me or viceversa I hope, it just proves we are both ornery bastards [grins]

Any feedback on this workshop or ideas for future ones please let me know at
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-quickie

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

It's amazing how we form relationships, as well as understand poetry.

I think when one is open to the love within...and a little shamanic magic.....then netherworlds, otherworlds and this world open.....we can travel through all of them at will....as friendly enemies if not bosom buddies. ;-)

~

author comment

one that struck me, also as a timely reminder was
"This workshop is brilliant in as much as we can understand one another a little better through our favourite poems and the ensuing dialogues. My best attribute is being free without any constraints except the ones I place on myself. It, however, came at a huge price, I had to be
willing to let it all go... all concepts of who I thought I was/am. It's an on-going process, like we're all undergoing. "
and
"Poetry (again imo) is not about mental constructions to be understood, but that evasive and illusive, subtle effect upon the soul, the heart of the reader. Poetry is meant to take one out of one's mental fabrications into what elevates mundane living, which, for me, depletes my energy. It's what elevates my soul, energizes me and helps me deal with the realities of life, which sometimes are near unbearable.

If my presence @ Neopoet can be used for one observation: that poetry is an art that uplifts us,
and compels us to be inspired, to have a sense of completion and belonging, to acknowledge our heart of hearts, longing to be one, rather than our minds which always seem to create division, disagreement and hostility, fear and hatred. "

Love these Anna
Since we can't fuck like wildcats in a thunderstorm,
let's fight like cats and dogs.
.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I actually heard the roar of a lion in my physic. I see in my minds eye the heavens stars and hear the soft roar fade in the night. As I continue to listen,

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
https://pixiblogs.blacpixi.com/

Oh flute
its breath no more
the China lion

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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