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I tried to love you

I'm tired of the battering
You find flattering
My soul is torn
Wanting to be yours

No amount of hoping, or
Spilling my heart 
Changes your motives, for
Taking me apart

So, I stand my ground
To sit around
While you walk away
This thanksgiving holiday  

The cruise, I enjoyed
We should've bonded
But, you believe 
In a dominate lead

I tried being submissive
Catering to your ego
You are so harsh, indecisive
Taking me down a cruel road

My pain is gone
I'm feeling well
I won't let you take me there
Where pain is at home

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

And the final stanza bloody brilliant!

I honestly want to ask you if you constructed this so carefully. The first 3 stanzas, while stuck in emotional space are carefully rhymed and metered. Then the next 2 stanzas gradually break down in form, with the relationship,
to the last stanza that is simply spoken exactly the right words in the right place.

I believe this is a brilliant work of poetry.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Your workshop has helped a lot with rhyming and meter. Yes I carefully chose my words of rhyme, though my understanding of meter is limited, i'm glad to hear say it is brilliant. I didn't realize I was breaking it down the way I did, it just came naturally to do it that way. The ending also came naturally. I was in one of my depressive moods when I finish writing this last night.

Sometimes I forget and just write to finish, but this time I took breaks between writing it to finish. Carefully rhyming my words.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

It was really exciting to see I'm not the only one to use morphing form to emphasize a poem. Very well done.....stan

i didn't fully realize I was writing morphing form. I'm glad you share the meaning of your form .

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry ~American Renga~ Free Verse, Western, Modern, etc ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka, Renga All Neopoets are welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing fun.

author comment

Forget the form! It's the content I so enjoyed! ;)
Boni

Bonitaj

this one came about, it touched the places it was meant to! I'm learning more everyday about what makes good poetry. ~ Gee

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