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Callous Playtime

She hangs a little taut.
Day old dead,
Now her belly bloats.

Her tongue is limp and wet,
Her hair, alive in wisps of air;

A small mockery of her
Still rocking body.

Swing her to and fro,
And watch her lifeless
Limbs dangle like a doll.

Watch her swing, to and fro,
And have a drink of bread and blood.

When she's all drained,
We'll take her down,
And find us another toy.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
The poem is supposed to unfold horror after horror, starting from the title to the very last line. Does it do this well enough?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am not a big fan of horror in any medium, but I really like this very much, The title is great, and I like your language use.

Some tweak to focus the horror.

Why is she dead? I would find it more horrifying if she still lived, and could hear what is being said. Easily done by changing the second line of the first stanza, I think.

And I would replace "barbie" with "doll's" or "doll", for the cadence and to make things more impersonal.

This is pretty effective, and the last stanza is a beaut, near-perfect in its implications of childish delight, experience and practiced ease.

nasty stuff, well done.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Seriously, I always ask myself. Why don't I see that? "Dolls" makes perfect sense!
I guess I used "barbie" because I was picturing a very pretty lady hanging on the tree.

As for the "...Day old dead,..." I think we can both spare her the pain. The idea was to convey a sense of horror without going over-the-top.

A little mercy on my part. :D

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

"A small mockery of her
Still, rocking body"
I think I contradicted myself here. Her body is supposed to be still (hanging stiff), and rocking (swinging) at the same time?

On the other hand...

"A small mockery of her
Still rocking body"

Looks like she's a "hot" girl hanging dead.

This is beginning to look like a mess.
There's the thing with punctuation that I need to be clear on. Is is bad to add too many to a piece? I find that lots of poets don't add any, and this makes reading difficult, since you don't know where to pause, exclaim, ask the question...

Now that you bring up the issue of "too many pauses", I'm wondering, what's the best way to work it all out.

Thanks :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I read your first paragraph well, with pauses and all, without really paying attention to the punctuation. It's only when you pointed it out that I noticed the text was littered with commas!

The second one (without punctuation) read garbled, and resembled a friends chat messages...(lol)

And your explanation made perfect sense. I can't quite remember if that's exactly how I saw it when I wrote the poem first. Your explanation makes perfect sense, but I hope the reader wouldn't have to take too steep a curve to understand that line.

All together, the words seem to work well with the whole piece, so that beauty sort of does justice to it for me. In a way. :)

And about reading the poetry like its a paragraph, I increasingly find it enjoyable. :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Do you prefer being addressed as William Saint George, or will William be okay?
I really liked your poem. The horror built throughout the reading. A cascade of horror if you please! What I liked most was the graphic detail. I'm a big fan of horror poetry. I write mine under the psudonem of "eddy styx" who is my male alter ego. Thank you for the excellent read.

always, Cat (but sometimes in the dark; eddy styx)

p.s.

If it were my poem, I would change rocking to swaying. Just a suggestion.

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Thanks so much for the compliment. It really helps!, And sure thing, I'm cool with William.

Swaying, instead of rocking, does do more justice to the poem than my earlier words. Will consider the revision.

I'll also look out for your work too :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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