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Universal Dance
A sparrow lands
upon a sycamore branch
with fluttering of wings
The tree moves
with the slightest
unseen effort
sparrow jets away
returning landing
on another branch
The leaves follow
the progression of light
with ease
The universe has choreographed
The two contrasting movements
Into a dance
am I the attentive audience?
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Taoism the understanding of life through reflection.
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem
Favorite Poets
P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...
Comments
loved
Mon, 2011-05-23 20:22
Such a lovely gesticulator of life and natures dance, oh what
A worthy stance,
Yet as you say
None know of nature’s hidden prance,
So how do you expect us to
At natures tune dance.
Sorry for being the first liner,
Hardly a critique,
May be anti,
As your poetry is lovely
loved
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-05-24 00:05
Thank you love
It is just a question for reflection.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-05-23 23:16
Dare I say? Too poetic.
and the last two stanzas are didactic.
You could say this with less words.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-05-24 00:07
Jess
Great advice, best not to teach. Instead leave it as an open question for reflection.
nice to see you on my page helping.
I respect your suggestions always
Thanks for the input
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2011-05-24 06:04
much better!
Everyone should click the revisions button, it is so much of what Neopoet is.
"If a branch falls in the woods and no-one hears, does it happen?"
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-05-24 06:45
Jess
I agree, then we would not call it a workshop.
Again thanks for the direction!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2011-05-24 06:58
I hope your experience in the Shark Pool helped
So many other poets are ready for it, but afraid of the name.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-05-24 23:01
Jess
Yes it has, but over time it has been your help I appreciate.
I believe our workshops have been a great thing for the community.
I find that my partcipants are becoming aware that when they critique,
they are also seeing the things that they will look for when they write.
This will make for better poet's on Neopoet.
I truly hope that they all decided to move to the next workshop level or be bold enough to jump to yours.
Regards,
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-25 00:57
Oh Eddie!
that is precisely what I hoped for from all 3 workshops. I've seen the level of critique rise and seen non-participants leave the site (usually blaming me, teehee )
But I think I'll be here a while longer.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-05-25 01:32
Jess
Why else would they want to leave, yes it's your fault. Hahaha!
You tried with me and failed, but here I still am. hahaha!
really I don't think it's about you, I think if they leave it's about lack of courage and conviction to what they believe in stead of things you might say.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-25 04:58
thanks mate
I was feeling bad.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-05-25 05:15
Jess
I was kidding it is because of you so keep feeling bad. LMFAO!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentMichelleK
Thu, 2011-05-26 07:20
Beautiful and Concise imagery
Your imagery is amazing.
One of my few critiques is the repetition of 'sycamore', it disrupts the flow of your lines.
I loved how this piece only focused on the object being described, this poem and object are valid in themselves and beautifully achronistic (it reminded me of Pound and Willams; particularly of Modernist poetry). However this was ruined for me in the last stanzas; I think you should cut all the words after 'dance', as below:
The universe has choreograph
The two contrasting movements
Into a dance.
If you are writing a poem about this tree and we are reading it then we are automatically the 'alternative audience', this doesn't need to be stated.
I apologize for the clumsiness of these critiques (I'm subconsciously worrying about an exam).
I hope these help and I will just say again that this is an amazing poem.
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-05-26 08:17
Valid
All are valid points, thank you.
I will re-structure with 'alternative audience', in mind
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentKailashana2
Thu, 2011-05-26 08:36
A sparrow lands
A sparrow lands
upon a sycamore branch
with fluttering of wings
(fluttering wings
sparrow lands
on Sycamore )
The tree moves
with the slightest
unseen effort
(effortless,
the tree moves)
sparrow jets away
returning landing
on another branch
(sparrow changes
his vantage view)
The leaves follow
the progression of light
with ease
(BEAUTIFUL!)
The universe has choreograph
The two contrasting movements
Into a dance
(the universal dance
two contrasting movement
choreographed)
are we the attentive audience?
(am I the attentive audience)
(much stronger poem in the first person, singular)
Just some Anna-edit-thoughts.
~A
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-05-26 09:27
Anna
Don't be angry, but when I read your suggestion, it sounded interesting. Then I thought I heard Yoda from "Star Wars" say, "beautiful this is.."
I'm sorry but that was what came into my head, honestly. LMAO not at you, but the way my brain works.
thanks Anna
Eddie
"to teach with love is to understand ones own limitations." Taoism EC
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentEduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-05-26 23:42
Lonnie
thank you I made the correction.
It's Taoism,, the wonder that life and nature are one in the same.
the sparrow represents those that think that you must be busy all the time because that's what it is to them to be alive and productive. The tree, are those who look at life and contemplait it's beauty and yet they are productive and bear fruit.
Eddie.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentt. reflexion
Thu, 2011-05-26 17:38
Dancing in the Light
The imagery is good. the sparrow, tree, branch and leaves, they dance and the reflections are in our eyes. I like this. Best wishes.
tr.
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-05-26 20:39
Thank you very much for the
Thank you very much for the visit to my page
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
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