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When you fall out of love with Mr. Wrong

Don’t lie to me
Nothing you say now will ever touch me
Nor will it affect me like before
When the wintry cold storm of your anger
Burned like frost between my toes

I don’t get it
No amount of ridiculing will make me see it
Nor will it help me get the jokes
When the bluster of your words
Move me from my peaceful state

Behind my bastions of cement and brick
Swords and daggers safeguard my heart
Fighter planes loaded with denials
Create a no fly zone over my fortress
When you try to tear down my wall

When you fall out of love with Mr. Wrong
nothing can rupture a wall you build with sweat, pain, anger, and tears

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thanks Jim your suggestions did help me make the candace a lot smother without changing my meaning. You too Scribbler
Editing stage: 

Comments

I haven't seen you in awhile, its good to read some new work from you.

This has some potential, but I feel that it needs work.

The first two stanzas are, imo, great. I love the feel of them, that "forget you, I've had enough" attitude you've written into them.

Stanza three however could use some editing, and re-structuring.

I'm not sure that the metaphor of your rejection being like a city's defenses is working, although I do like where you're trying to go with it. Some ideas....

try using "bastions" instead of "city" on the first line, to give the stanza a beginning air of strong defenses well protected.

I like the swords and daggers, that works real well.

"Fighter planes loaded with missiles
Created a no fly zone over my city
When you try to tear down my wall"

How about

"fighter planes loaded with denials
create no fly zones above my city
when you try to tear down my walls"

or something similar?

And the last two lines I like again, but I think they can be improved as well:

"When you fall out of love with Mr. Wrong
Zilch can rupture a wall you built with sweat, pain, and tears"

might be

"When you fall out of love with Mr. Wrong
Nothing can rupture the walls you build
with sweat, pain, anger and tears"

or something like that, which preserves your meaning, but makes the cadence smoother.

Hope this helps, and it really is good to see you posting again, Barb
:)

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Your suggestions is just what I needed, though I never heard the word "bastions" before tonight. As if I did heard of it, I can feel the strong statement of Protection is is making.
"Denial" instead of missiles is the perfect word I was looking for. I am surprise it didn't come to my mind when I was writing.
Nothing instead of zilch is better. I thought of nothing, but chose not to use. glad you brought me to my senses. Lol.
Zilch? what was I thinking Lol.

(:smiles)

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author comment

Glad you enjoyed all of it. I put forth special effort to create great titles eventhough titles come easy for me. thanks for saying they are strong.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

When Mr. or Ms. Wrong finally push us to the limit, there is no turning back the page. Got a few ideas you could consider :
L-2 add now after say......shows that his words mattered in the past
L-9 change blustery to bluster and delete winds
L-11 for some reason I want it to be cement and brick, don't know why lol
L-14 change city to citadel.......reinforces picture of a fortified city

just a few things you can consider.................scribbler

I like your suggestions and will make changes.
Thanks citidal is good I see your point . there is something about citidal that I rather use the word fortress.
not sure what it is though lol.
cement and bricks sounds good to me too. i suppose because cement must be layed before the brick can be put in place lol

thanks much
(:smile)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
https://pixiblogs.blacpixi.com/

author comment

Its much more safe when atleast you have protected the important part which is the heart...nice

Protecting the heart after a bad relationship has torn it apart is the safe route I think.
Not necessarily for all time, but certianly from the one that once cause the damage.
thanks for sharing.
I think your name sums up the meaning of your comment.
I have been that way form many years not allowing people to inner my safe place. Nice to meet you welcome to neopoet. :)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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author comment

this write does express a firm resolve not to allow Mr. Wrong to penetrate the tranquility of the one who has been wronged...yet many a times one reminisces about Mr, Wrong when he was Mr Right..which inspires such a write...or so i believed..i may be wrong though in my perceptions...having said that.,...this write certainly expresses powerfully the way one creates a fortress to keep the pain..the anguish and memories at bay...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks for sharing abd commenting. I appreciate you stopping by

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
https://pixiblogs.blacpixi.com/

author comment
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