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An example of how good critique can help a poem ( Reposting for Halloween)

Happy Halloween everyone!

This was written when I first came to neopoet. Being here has improved my writing beyond my wildest hopes. The secret is to accept that people are not out to destroy your poetry, but to improve it. Some will give slight critique, some in depth and others will be harsh, but all are trying to help you improve. Below is the original and the fainal version of my poem "The Wolf". I think everyone can agree with the improvement in the final version.

The Original version before critique.

"The Wolfe"

The pen on paper moving to and fro
Takes me sometimes where I would not go
And therein lies...
The Wolf

A growl, a nip, a shake of tail,
A howl, a cough, they take to trail.
Night dark shapes, their shadows fleet,
The wolf has come, hide 'neath the magic sheet!

Eyes burning, hot coals, the firelight,
Hell hot breath, a snap, a bite,
A lance of fire deep in the brain,
A desperate cry, a searing pain!

Confused images, moving to and fro,
Hot salty taste, blood on the snow.
Images burning in black and white
The wolf is come, beware the night!

Musty smell, a strangely familiar scent,
A howl, a bay, on trail they're bent!
Dim memories, confused images, something's wrong!
Ah.... the pull of the moon, it's so strong!

A dim longing, a past, pain resides,
The pack calls, push it aside.
The stalk, the kill, the fatal bite,
The wolf is come, tremble with fright!

The frenzied bloodlust, the prey, the fight,
Fleeting shadows, the moon, the night.
The fevered brow, the sweat, a sound,
Torn clothing, confusion, blood-soaked ground!

The longing, the lust, the stealthy creep,
Dim awareness, remembered pain, blessed sleep!
The terror, the leaping, running unbound!
The wolf is come, beware the pentagram!

This is the final version after many suggestions and critique by members here.

The Wolf
The pen on paper moving to and fro
Takes me sometimes where I would not go
A pentagram on my palm aglow
And therein lies...
The Wolf

A growl, a nip, a flick of tail,
A howl, a bark, he takes to trail.
Night dark shape, flashing feet,
The wolf has come, hide 'neath the sheet!

Eyes like burning coals at night,
Hell hot breath, a snap, a bite,
A lance of fire deep in the brain,
A desperate cry, searing pain!

Confused shapes move to and fro,
Hot salty taste, bloody snow.
Images burn in black and white
The wolf has come, beware the night!

Sharp tang, a familiar scent,
A howl, a bay, on trail he's bent!
Dim memories, confusion, something's wrong!
The pull of the moon, it's so strong!

Dim longing where pain resides,
The pack calls, push it aside.
The stalk, the kill, the fatal bite,
The wolf has come, tremble with fright!

Frenzied blood-lust, the prey, the fight,
Fleeting shadows, the moon, the night.
Fevered brow, dank sweat, a sound,
Torn clothing, blood-soaked ground!

The longing, the lust, the stealthy creep,
Dim awareness, pain, bless-ed sleep!
The terror, the leaping, running unbound!
The wolf has come, beware the pentagram!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Just a word for reference on this poem. It is about the old black and white Werewolf movies with Lon Chaney, etc...
Editing stage: 

Comments

The improvements are stunningly brilliant. I especially like these lines:

The Wolf
The pen on paper moving to and fro
Takes me sometimes where I would not go
A pentagram on my palm aglow
And therein lies...
The Wolf

as the make it much more clear that this is a werewolf.

always, Cat

thanks for posting!

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I had lots of help when I first came here. PurpleMoondoll (Bless her memory), Chrys, Jess, you and many others helped me improve my writing. I just thought this would be a good example of how people can improve if they listen and understand what a workshop community can do for them.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

I so see and read the changes, unbelievable and I concer with you on the workshop relationship you have shown here with your example.

I feel just the same and I would love to see these differences in my first work in here also. You send us a good example and may I say one more thing. It still could use a go at it. (all good pun intended:)

I have also found I may have rewritten and reviewed some of my older poetic chits and they still don't sit all that well with me.

Great blog. Writers take note. I know I can attribute alot of my skill from this site, hence I am still around because of it.

Hope all is good by you Texan!!

Regards

Mona Magics

Yes, there is more could be done. I always save my poetry onto my computer and then when I make changes on neopoet, I copy and paste it onto my computer and save it as a different version of the same name. My original file name was The Wolf, the finished file I named The Wolf2. That way I have my original and the edited version and I can see my progress.

Glad you enjoyed it and the contrast. Neopoet is great.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

I just wanted to show how this place can help the writer. Glad you found it useful.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Your help was immeasurable. It really opened my eyes.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

If there is anything that can clearly show what Neopoet is all about, this is it.
That advice, about not taking criticism personally? That should be something all members and newcomers see, each time they sign in or visit.
Thanks my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

That is one of the hardest things for people to learn because their poetry is so personal to them.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

This example can only improve our workshops, and i personally thank you. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

It is so difficult for new poets, or those not used to a workshop environment to understand that it is geared to help you improve and not to make you look foolish.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Yes I do so remember this and you first coming to Neo it was long before workshops started what about five years ago lol
but it is nice to see that we do have the workshops now and the people willing to devote their time to running them

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

The reason I stayed, even before the workshops was the workshop type environment where I could get actual help on improving. There are lots of sites out there where you'll get comments good and bad, maybe, but none like here.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

It is good to come and read something like this and I have read all the comments in fact everything here.
The change in the total sound and feeling of the Wolf, has become three dimensional with the changes, and is a credit to yourself in listening and the knowledge of those that commented. As I am one of the last to come in and read and reply I still feel that the very last line held my eyes as not being as good as the rest of the piece:-

The terror, the leaping, running unbound!
The wolf has come, beware the pentagram!

Not sure what to put there apart from "I cannot sleep sound" to carry on the AB-CD or some word to tie those two lines together, Hope you don't mind at this late date, Yours with great respect, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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