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Step into My Parlor (said the spider to the fly)

Step into My Parlor (said the spider to the fly)

There are those who will tear down
Everything that’s great
They complain about the world
And the food upon their plate

They would not be happy
If they could not complain
So they voice their misery
Make others groan with pain

Anything that may be great
They want to make it bad
Find everything that’s wrong with it
because it makes them glad

If they get a million bucks
They say it should be two
Complain about too many laws
And gripe about too few

They complain about no job
And refuse to take what’s offered
Content to ask for our support
And empty all our coffers

They’ll denigrate your country
They’ll step upon your pride
Because if you don’t think like them
It eats them up inside

They scream about their freedom
And it’s their right to talk
But if you disagree with them
Freedom takes a walk

They want us to change the world
Make it a nicer place
Call it a social paradise
And give it a better face

Step into my parlor
Said the spider to the fly
And I’ll teach you of freedom
Just before you die

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good suggestions. Muchas Gracias Senora. I appreciate it.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

I have noticed this in every aspect of politics. No matter the belief, it seems to be what you want is all that matters. LOL and I'm guilty of the same thing.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

We are a self-centered bunch, are we not?

I had to laugh at the end of that last stanza. So true, so true, so true. I guess we no longer agree to disagree? Sometimes, I think part of the problem is that mankind has a tendency to have knee-jerk reactions on a strictly emotional level when making decisions and do not thoroughly think through all of the ramifications.

I might offer some smoothing of the meter if you intend to keep this format, however, nothing says you have to write in block of 4. Let me know if you would like my thoughts on that, and I remind you, they are only my thoughts.

That said. I loved your message

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

Thank you. I am ALWAYS open to improvement. If a person isn't willing to take critique, they don't want to improve. I'd appreciate anything you have to offer.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

In an effort to smooth the meter a bit, you may wish to keep syllable counts the same per line. However, sometimes, that just doesn't work with what we want to say so ...

maybe use line breaks to keep a steady flow:

For example:

If they get a million bucks
they say

it should be two

complain about
too many laws
and gripe about

too few.

They complain about

no job
and refuse to take
what’s offered

content to ask for our support

and empty all
our coffers

Sometimes, sound is more important than form and when that happens, we have to help our reader along so that our intent is clear.

Just my thoughts on this and I ran it quickly. I am certain a bit of honing is in order in this brief edit as well. Thank you for letting me express about your expression.

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

the last stanza is so pretty good that it lifts your poem even higher...a very nice theme with a lesson in it...

perhaps "whine" would fit better in line 16 instead of "gripe"...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Reminds me of neighbors who know I fish. They say if I catch more than I can use to give them a call. On rare occasions when I Do call with offer of fish,1st thing they ask is if I've already dressed the fish lol. Enjoyed this poem but found one line that missed rhyme just by a hair :
and refuse to take what's offered..........could change to something like :
refusing all employment offers
just an alternative.....................stan

The Preamble to the Constitution of the United States:

"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

That about says it all. The rest of it is the to and fro of politics-as-usual.

I commend you on the subtleties you have woven into this poem, like a web.

~A

Btw I had the first ever spider bite on my left ankle. It could have been a brown recluse or black widow (the most deadly spiders are in Australia as are the most deadly snakes). Since I'm still here and didn't need to go to the hospital, apparently I wasn't bitten by either though fang marks were clearly visible and I had redness the size of a 50 cent piece. I may change my mind about killing spiders when I see them out and about. What's the saying, "once bitten, twice shy"? lol.

Is to hold in your hand and say to yourself the famous words
" ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.
thta's how I live.

and it works...
to many are takers and the takers are the detroyers.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Your political subtext seems only a little more mellow than usual here but I found myself agreeing with most of it. I guess bottom line we've always agreed on a few basic assumptions, how could a couple of old ratbag anti-authoritarian poets do otherwise?

Nicely crafted too.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

There are always a few points most of us old ratbags can agree on.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment

Remember this one from the old Neopoet.
Love the rhythm . It flow like a political song

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I appreciate it.

Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin

author comment
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