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Lover's Eyes

I lose myself looking into those eyes
The brightness looks to me
like embers of a burning fire
I hear from your lips no lies
I know this love is no satire

Forever looking in the eyes
The burning wells of my heart’s desire
This feeling never dies
My love will never tire

Its 2 o’clock
Still your eyes hold a passion
When we meet on the dock

When will you be back? You say
Every time you wish, I pray

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Nice job, but i would say the in stanza one ,line two maybe you could say 'your eyes burn like embers of a fire ', and don't mention brown, since fires are orange/red.

A romantic poem, good for today.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

When will you be back? You say
Every time you wish, I pray

,,,...* I'd never go away
but for ever
in ur eyes
I'd rather stay...

loved

This is very good.

one thing....

"Forever looking in the eyes"...."the" should be "your"; it is about her, is it not?

heehee.

The ending 2 lines...absolutely wonderful!

This is very good stuff.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I know this love is no satire
because, in a postmodern kind of way, it raises the possibility that it is satire. Does that explain the flagrant use of cliches?-
I lose myself looking into those eyes

The brightness looks to me
like embers of a burning fire

The burning wells of my heart’s desire

This feeling never dies
My love will never tire

Is there an edge of satire here? Or are the cliches un-intentional and really need to be addressed?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Haha, yes Jess, they were very intentional

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