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Lover's Eyes
I lose myself looking into those eyes
The brightness looks to me
like embers of a burning fire
I hear from your lips no lies
I know this love is no satire
Forever looking in the eyes
The burning wells of my heart’s desire
This feeling never dies
My love will never tire
Its 2 o’clock
Still your eyes hold a passion
When we meet on the dock
When will you be back? You say
Every time you wish, I pray
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
lou
Mon, 2011-02-14 02:33
hI
Nice job, but i would say the in stanza one ,line two maybe you could say 'your eyes burn like embers of a fire ', and don't mention brown, since fires are orange/red.
A romantic poem, good for today.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
loved
Mon, 2011-02-14 23:14
If I had a choice,,,....*
When will you be back? You say
Every time you wish, I pray
,,,...* I'd never go away
but for ever
in ur eyes
I'd rather stay...
loved
Race_9togo
Tue, 2011-03-08 01:17
Starry,
This is very good.
one thing....
"Forever looking in the eyes"...."the" should be "your"; it is about her, is it not?
heehee.
The ending 2 lines...absolutely wonderful!
This is very good stuff.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-03-08 02:51
I love the line
I know this love is no satire
because, in a postmodern kind of way, it raises the possibility that it is satire. Does that explain the flagrant use of cliches?-
I lose myself looking into those eyes
The brightness looks to me
like embers of a burning fire
The burning wells of my heart’s desire
This feeling never dies
My love will never tire
Is there an edge of satire here? Or are the cliches un-intentional and really need to be addressed?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Starry_Nights
Sun, 2011-09-18 17:44
Haha, yes Jess, they were
Haha, yes Jess, they were very intentional