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Off in the Moonlight
We walk in the illuminating moonlight
Hand in hand as it shines bright
Just as an owl takes its flight.
We search for that place
Where we met so long ago
That was given by grace
By the one above, not below.
We go on with life
Taking it day by day
Working out our strife
With no delay.
So I tell you this, may it be strong and clear
If you ever need some bliss I’ll show you where to steer.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Few years old but I wanted to pull it back out and refine it a bit. Still working on it, not exactly an appropriate length for my taste.
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2011-03-13 23:57
hello
You have a good write that i expect you will improve on. The following are just examples of some ways you could do this and are suggestions only :
L-5 We are searching for that place
L-8 By the one above , I know
L-12 with minimum delay
L-13 and 14 You might be better served to break this into 4 lines
these are just ideas and I realize my prediliction to western classic probably influence these suggestions.....scribbler