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Far Away.

Oh Laura you are in love, but what can you do
for he has gone so far away, so far away from you.
As you switch on the TV, to see the News at Ten
you start to wonder if you will ever see him again.

As he was driving his army jeep, along the dusty road
there was an explosion ahead, a land mine he was told.
The jeep was hit by the blast as bleeding he hit the ground
but soon he was relieved to see army medics gather around.

And he knew if he’d been a little further ahead
he and the soldiers with him surely would have been dead.
You pick up the phone nervously and listen to what they say
he is injured, but it’s just his foot and he’s coming home to stay.

Unlike his great uncle long ago, wounded in the First World War
lying in a trench, with mud and rats, seeing things never seen before.
Men around him white with fear, trying to survive the dark of the night
he was weak and cold and his young life ended, just before first light.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 


This is an interestingly told tale: almost like watching a movie... the young wife at home Stateside.... living a mundane life, but always thinking of him.... watching the news on TV , wondering if she'll ever see him again.... cut to a muddy / dusty road in Iraq... a US army jeep is blown up in a roadside explosion.... the soldier within is thrown bleeding to the ground.... cut to a few seconds later.... he opens his eyes to see medics coming.... cut to the young woman stateside, receiving a call that both chills her and excites her... her husband is wounded, but he is alive and comiung home... cut to the wounded soldier again thinking of his great uncle dying in a trench in WW-1 ...

This was pretty neat from a story telling point of view.
You may want to do a little more work on the meter of the verses though and perhaps reconsider the one rhyme that doesnt happen (in V-2 lines 1-2).

I'd also reconsider the line " but soon he was relieved to see army medics gather around." which feels a little strange.

Other than those small bits, I enjoyed this poem, particularly for its imagery.


Hi Psyve, thanks for the helpful comments, I love the way you descriped it like in a movie!
Can't believe I missed that on verse 2. It often takes someone else to spot the obvious, so will look at that thanks and the other line which I'm not really happy with anyway.
Thanks again for the helpful encouragement,
Take care,

author comment

You are most welcome. As regards the V-2 rhyming issue in lines 1 and 2, its a small matter and that sort of rhyme approximation is not normally a problem... particularly in song. Its just that you have worked your rhyming scheme pretty perfectly everywhere else in the poem, so I just thought you may like to re consider these two lines.



i was held captive reading through the lines as the touching story unfolds capturing all moods and emotions so very well....


raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks very much Raj.

author comment

Thanks again Shirley, although I do think this poem needs the odd tweak to make it complete.
take care,

author comment

I absolutely love how this *narrative poem* begins, Tim!

Perhaps if you could rework the lines that contain *as*... it would flow better. As is so overused as a connective word. ;-)

I'm reminded of a poem (and a book of poems) written by young soldiers in the midst of the war in Iraq.


Hi, thanks again for the advice and comments,
best regards,Tim

author comment
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