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Rainbow
I'd like to capture a rainbow and
stick it in a big box so that, anytime
you wanted to you could reach in and
pull out a piece of sunshine.
I'd like to build you a mountain that
you could call your very own. A place
to find serenity in those times when you
feel the need to be closer to yourself.
I would like to be the one who is there with
you when you're lonely or troubled or
you just need someone to hold on too.
I would like to do all this and more to make
your life happy.
But, sometimes it isn't easy to do the
things I would like to do or give the
things I would like to give.
So. . . . until I learn how to catch rainbows
and build mountains, let me do for you
that which I know best.
Let me simply be your friend!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Comments
Pixee
Wed, 2011-02-02 09:08
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author commentKailashana2
Wed, 2011-02-02 09:48
Hi Pixee,
Hi Pixee,
This poem needs to be pared down imo. And yes, friendship is the best!
I'd like to capture a rainbow and
stick it, wiggling, into a big box,
pull out your own piece of sunshine
anytime you were a little blue
(If you stick it into a box, it evokes a bit of *wriggling* for me.)
I'd like to build you a mountain that
you could call your very own. A place
to find serenity in those times when you
feel the need to be alone.
(A good place for a rhyme I think.)
Hope you don't mind,
Anna
Pixee
Wed, 2011-02-02 16:04
Hello
Thank you for you comment K. i appriciate it very much.
I appreciate your time to critique my poem.
Friends,
Pixee
author commentPsyve
Wed, 2011-02-02 16:22
Pixee
Actually, I liked this one as it is...
I like the simplicity of your words and on reading this aloud, I found your verses have an interesting sense of meter.
They flow well.
Of course, I am a lyricist more than a poet, so my emphasis has always been on meter and flow.
That said, I enjoyed the content too. A sweetly expressed sentiment.
I look forward to reading more of your work here...
Psyve
Pixee
Fri, 2011-02-04 07:24
Hello Psyve
I am glad to hear from your. I have seen you on
the post. i have just recently returned to the site. I have
been away from it for over a year and it feels good to be
back. I am proud to have someone like yourself enjoy my
poem. I thank you for your time and critiquing my poem.
I hope to comment on your poems as well. I am not
very good at critiquing others poems. I just write them
so to speak. i will give it my best to comment on more
poems including yours. Thank you again my friend.
Friends,
Pixee
author commentRace_9togo
Sat, 2011-02-05 01:37
Hello Pixee.
This is quite good, I like it very much.
I think that you could pare this down a bit, though, and make things flow and have more cadence.
For example, the 2nd stanza:
I'd like to build you a mountain that
you could call your very own. A place
to find serenity in those times when you
feel the need to be closer to yourself.
I'd like to build you a mountain
you could call your very own,
a place to find serenity in those times
you feel the need
to be closer to yourself.
Of course, this is just my take, only my opinion: your edit, should you choose to make it, would be very different.
I really do like the ending very much.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Pixee
Thu, 2011-02-24 12:39
Hello Race
So sorry it took me so long to respond. I appreciate you critiquing my poem. It always help when someone responds to my poems. It makes me just that much more better as a poet. Thank you for your critiquing and your candor.
Poetry is the living soul of the writer.
Pixee
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