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if
.
if tears were pebbles
and pain mortar
I could build a bridge to forever
and find you
.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
mand
Sat, 2016-05-21 09:31
Judy
So much pain in these words - the recipient of these words would know how much they are missed and the lengths you would go to in order to be with them! :)
Short yet telling! :)
Love to you and yours xx
Mand xxx
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 06:31
thank you Mand
for the read and kind comment
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Geezer
Sat, 2016-05-21 10:57
How could the one...
who read these words not want to rush to build their own bridge back to you?
Outstanding! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 06:32
hi Gee
Thank you very much for the supportive review
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lovedly
Sat, 2016-05-21 11:43
deep pain you spike into each one who
deep pain you spike into each one
who
have left a life
forlorn for you
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 06:33
hello loved
Thanks for the supportive comment
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
brittle light
Sat, 2016-05-21 11:54
stocked, and stuffed with
stocked, and stuffed with feeling, yes; but
the wrapping jumps out in front
a precious emotion skillfully packaged in stunning cleverness, wit, and surprise
not a bad days work
Al
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 06:40
Al
Thank you so much for the very supportive comment.
I was a tad concerned that this might be a little too Hallmarky... but your words have relieved that somewhat
Just curious - I've changed 'bricks' to 'pebbles' - do you think that increases the imagery effectively?
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
brittle light
Sun, 2016-05-22 12:12
hallmarky..no. More like
hallmarky..no. More like Dorothy Parker without the overt cynicism.
When I hear a record for the first time and love it, any changes or cover versions don't thrill me the same way.
If I had read the "pebbles" version first, I think I would have liked it just as much, but 'brick', I think, is a stronger, more straight forward image/path to the bridge building.
til next time,
Al
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 12:46
I'm of two minds
I like the sound imaging of 'brick' ...
but the thought of how many pebbles it would take to build a bridge to forever in my mind increases the number of tears needed (even though that is theoretically not correct considering the properties of infinity....)
and tears being more to the size of pebbles....
lol -i hate having to make these choices....
I'll have to think about it... maybe I'll get tome other opinions...
As for the comparison to Dorothy Parker... thank you, that's a compliment indeed
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Sat, 2016-05-21 13:59
What can I say Judyanne..
What can I say Judyanne...ummmmmmmmm i will just say it is a gem of a crisp poem...each wod is so thoughtfully placed like a perfect diamond necklace
much love and hugs...
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 06:41
Raj
Thank you for the so very kind comment
hugs
judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Keith Logan
Sun, 2016-05-22 08:09
Just a thought
If pain were bricks
and tears their mortar
The lines that follow are brilliant.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
judyanne
Sun, 2016-05-22 09:03
thanks Keith
I like the imagery your version gives - pain can very much feel as if bricks are weighing down - I feel as if there is a brick in my midriff as I say those words...
but
I've actually changed the 'bricks' to 'pebbles' - probably since you read it....
I think that fits better as they are more the size of tears -' bricks' images a lot larger... would take less to make the bridge...lol
So, using that imagery I think also works better than using your very good suggestion
I'd love your opinion..
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Tue, 2016-05-24 03:52
oh duh me
I see that you refer to 'their' instead of 'was'
I tried it, then decided to leave the word out altogether
Thanks Keith
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)