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I'm Drinking Leave me alone

Submitted by Ian.T on Wed, 2012-08-22 16:37

I told him to shut his gob
But he kept on, the stupid sod
I just wanted a quiet place to be
Why wouldn’t he stop pestering me?

No, I knew then, that he would have to go
The little shit ground into my soul
This world of his, he would leave behind
He then started on the mate of mine.

Now that was it, he’d left it too late.
He didn’t see me move my arm.
He was stupid, thought I couldn’t do harm
I felt the blade as I follow its arc.

It sliced not only the air but him the fart
You can only think, as you didn’t see
His expression change as he fell into me
So I turned him, sat him on his stool

He just sat there, drooping, a little the fool
I told my mate to get the tab
I slipped him a twenty, he smiled, so glad
Let’s go before the bastard falls

So we hurried to the swing door
I felt so good, at today’s new treat
He fell before we reached the street.
More sawdust scattered on the floor

That will teach you to leave me alone
I just wanted a drink and amble home
I had to laugh again it’s bad to say
He made the papers the next day

Sparrow

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2012-08-22 19:38

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Had to look twice to be sure this wasn't Gee writing about killer. Kept my attention to the end................stan

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-23 09:25

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I was reading something Jess said about me writing and being so sweet and good lol, So I threw this together in a couple of minutes as Killer was at the door lol,
Hey to even think it was killer just hope he doesn't find out where you live,
You take care out there and no going out at night, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2012-08-23 11:15

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Some people just assume because somebody prefers to write in a certain manner that that's the only way they Can write lol. Proved him wrong..................stan

loved

Sun, 2012-08-26 09:58

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deleted

loved

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-23 09:31

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Thanks for your comments, hadn't heard about not using Stupidity, where does that come from???.
Not to worry about Jess, the fact that you keep bringing it up means that he is having an effect on you, now stop bothering about it and lets see some of your better writes without reference to others.
You know we are here for you at all times and look forward to your writing,
So young bard pick up thy quill and draft me prose anew"
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Rula

Thu, 2012-08-23 10:58

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as we are engaged these days in Stan's workshop, I looked for the rhyme pattern but guess you didn't follow a specific pattern though your later ones have flown nicely with rhyme and rhythm but this doesn't mean that I haven't enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-23 14:00

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Lovely for you to drop in,
Just be careful there is another killer on the loose. lol
Just a play on words to me, and another thing to write about..
Sometimes I write about death from another view but the rhyme was a mixture and that's me, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Rula

Thu, 2012-08-23 14:09

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seasons have come to their end I hope I shall have more time to read
my friends and give comments.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
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weirdelf

Sat, 2012-08-25 23:05

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A good write and great content.

When that happens to me I don't swing a punch, I kick balls and poke eyes and punch throat. It is very effective in preventing retaliation. Then I run away, shave my head and beard to avoid cop retaliation.

Loved this write and glad to be a part of writing it. Remind me never to bother you in a pub.

You, as all of us, have many sides, and violence can be an excusable part of it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-08-26 03:38

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Thank you for your welcome comment..
When I was around six or seven I was in a fight and I was intent on killing another kid as I had lost my temper. Can't recall who stopped the fight but it matters not, from that day I promised myself that I would never lose my temper again as it was lethal. I have to date been close but have never let go since those days.. It could be a safety, valve but I let reason take over it's easier lol. Total fiction again so I aint doing too bad on things I have No experience of..The telling of fiction in poetry is that the same as lying ???
Take care out there it can be a hard world, Yours Ian.T and Friends

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-08-26 04:08

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as long as you tell it true, which you did.

my comment was real life, I have the scars. I hate violence, but I hate getting hurt worse. I have lived and worked in some of the toughest places in Australia. Sometimes you have to hurt someone to avoid getting hurt.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-08-26 04:31

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It was that you had said to Rosina, if I remember correctly, that if you haven't experienced a thing then you should not write about it.
In what context was that, I know that I write about things that I have not done but it can't be a general thing can it?
I have hit a barrier where to write as I do, and you are correct in that it lacks that poetic finery, but do you just classify it as not good, and delete it or just publish and be damned?
I have always said that if there were not degrees of poetry, how would we measure excellence, not sure how far up the pyramid I am, but to me it matters less now.
I am a person that writes poetry. Not a poet that writes about persons.
I am always thankful of the support we have here, it is a joy to be part of this site, and our aim is to teach.
I would like to be able to measure the result of our work but it has to be put out among the worlds poets to be judged,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-08-26 04:51

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Actually my crit was a compliment.
I believed your story, even though I can't imagine you personally doing it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-08-26 05:05

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You haven't seen me when I am really cross!!!
Yep, I had thanked you for your compliment it was very well received,
when you do say something is good, I feel that I have achieved something and that is the way we evolve on Neopoet thanks to the comments we have had and advice.
Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

loved

Sun, 2012-08-26 09:59

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blank

loved

weirdelf

Sun, 2012-08-26 09:10

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I would hate to do it but will take it to the AC if you persist.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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