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Old Miners epitaph, ...My Dad
Angels weep as the sun sets
nature breaths a last long sigh
time for all his children
to listen to god's lullaby.
Willows weep to the water
As the sun bids the day adieu
The angels light their candles
and make the shadows move
all creatures watch the happening
and time is held to account
nature looks on through a mother's eyes
as the old miner's lamp goes out
His children know of his lifetime
His loves, his dreams and his tears
Now the Angels are left to guide him
To the lady he loved all those years
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
Im no poet, nor' am I academically gifted,
But I do have a very good imagination,
so; I hope you Pro's dont eat me up.
I am a bit nervous at putting any of my poems up!
Wrote this when my Dad dies,
he was a miner all his life
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Wed, 2012-04-25 04:08
Believe
A lovely heart felt write, I have lived with the miner's in Wales here in the UK and the stories, the life's and deaths they hold so dear and the comradeship of their families held for ever in memory.
I wrote a piece that's called "I Felt the Earth" it was of their lives here but that's another story.
To make this one a little better the two lines:-
"and time is held to account"
"as the old miners old lamp goes out"
The "and" can go in the first line and the second "Old" in the second line..
Loved the write and the feelings it portrayed, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
believe
Wed, 2012-04-25 21:18
thks
Thanks Ian
judyanne
Wed, 2012-04-25 04:21
believe this is lovely
just a few typos
‘to listen to gods lullaby’ --- god’s – needs an apostrophe
‘As the sun bids the day a’due’ --- adieu
‘nature looks on through a mother eyes
as the old miners old lamp goes out’
- perhaps ‘mother’ needs an apostrophe and ‘s’
or lose the ‘a’
‘nature looks on through a mother’s eyes’
or
‘nature looks on through mother eyes’
as the old miners old lamp goes out’ --- miner’s
also you have used the word 'old' very close here - same line even.
- perhaps another word for one of them?
and
‘His children know of his life time’ --- ? lifetime – one word
this is a beautiful write/ dedication
I like the first line and the last lines especially
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
believe
Wed, 2012-04-25 21:20
Thks
Thanks Judy, really helpful ,
WonderGolly
Wed, 2012-04-25 10:00
Beautiful write Believe. the
Beautiful write Believe. the first stanza caught my interest
and I couldn't resist reading the poem to finish.
the wording flows neatly from line to line.
the second line of the last stanza:
==== His loves his dreams and his tears====
pardon me but I think there should be a comma
separating (His loves) from (his dreams)
E.g: His loves, his dreams and his tears
great poem
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
believe
Wed, 2012-04-25 21:19
Thks
Thanks wonder...I really appreciate yr kind comments
believe
Wed, 2012-04-25 21:17
thanks
Thanks for comments,,
how could I miss so many points! I wouldn't make a proof reader,
thanks to all help and nice comments .
Linda Moses
Fri, 2012-05-04 00:12
You are mistaken, my friend.
On your profile you wrote "Bad poet" It ain't so. You write lovely poetry
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
believe
Fri, 2012-05-04 03:58
Thanks
Thanks for the support Linda, Hopeless speller etc ,,,just have imagination,... Im a painter Artist,
same side of the brain,
I can create the story line
unfortunately when I shift the mental ink across to the left side of the brain, "to write the thing,"
it doesnt work ! LOL .....thanks