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Paper Boat
Walking on the petals
fallen from the fading in the air branches,
thinking it was only leaves from distant autumn,
already forgotten season of the winds,
I have crossed the ocean in my dreams.
Listening to murmur,
droplets on the rooftops, fluttering umbrellas,
thinking it was only distant birds and lonely
shadows resurface on the evening ink
I have lost my caution and I wrote a poem.
Thrown in the wide-world
paper boat is floating in the brown waters,
losing paper soldiers overboard like seeds,
hopeful and joyous seeds of tulip trees.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Please, help me with punctuation, did i put too many commas?
How is my word order, does the text make sense?
do i have to write
petals fallen from the branches fading in the air.
or
petals fallen from the fading in the air branches
still okay?
Editing stage:
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Comments
tyro
Fri, 2018-05-18 04:27
Hello IRiz
Hello IRiz
Actually I think you need one more comma after wide-world. All the commas are necessary because this is written in compound-complex sentences.
Only the word order in the first dependent clause is unclear to me, it seems to be saying (both examples) that the branches are fading in the air, but I think you mean the petals are fading in the air; if so, this looks clearer:
walking on petals
already fading before falling from branches,
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
IRiz
Fri, 2018-05-18 08:38
Hello Tyro!
Hello Tyro!
Thank you very much for your help, I ment branches are fading in the air. I thought about the trees being so tall and branches so long and thinning at the ends and fading in the air leaving petals on the trail, carpets and carpets so that you can walk on them or even cross the ocean on their floating islands.
IRiz
tyro
Fri, 2018-05-18 10:58
you have quite an imagination
you have quite an imagination!
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
IRiz
Fri, 2018-05-18 11:03
Lol, enjoy the images with me
Lol, enjoy the images with me!
The best part is that nobody knows about them and even if they knew they would see them differently.
IRiz
fink555
Sat, 2018-05-19 02:32
This is dreamy
and the tulip lines have that faint flavor of you know what--Surrealism!
IRiz
Sat, 2018-05-19 09:27
Sometimes simple and most
Sometimes simple and most prosaic detail sounds out of this world, because reality is bigger than imagination.
I live next to a tulip-tree alley. They are tall and beautiful trees. Their petals on the wooden surface of the alevated trail look like autumn leaves light yellow with a green hue. The rain is now pouring for three days and I think about Hundred Years of Solitude and walk in the alley on a thin reflecting the sky and the branches of the tulip trees layer of rain water.
IRiz
scribbler
Sat, 2018-05-19 14:05
Punctuation?
Well, maybe I can help with that :
Walking on the petals fallen
from the fading in air branches
thinking it was only leaves from distant autumn
(already forgotten season of the winds)
I have crossed the ocean in my dreams.
Listening to murmur of
droplets on the rooftops, those fluttering umbrellas,
thinking it was only distant birds and lonely
shadows resurfacing on the evening ink
hypnotizing pylons of the wooden bridge.
I have lost my caution
and I wrote a poem. Thrown in the wide-world
paper boat , floating in the brown waters
losing paper soldiers overboard like seeds
of hopeful and joyous tulip trees.
OK so I also put in some stanza breaks and a word here and there in order to stymie the "word wall" appearance and to do away with some punctuations. Maybe this is of some help
IRiz
Sat, 2018-05-19 14:40
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
IRiz
IRiz
Sat, 2018-05-19 23:04
Is AEC means akward eye
Is AEC means akward eye contact?
I am glad you read it and liked the poem.
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-06-05 14:41
I don't know how I missed
I don't know how I missed this one earlier but lucky to catch the next flight...by that I also mean the flight of your thoughts...pleasure read...
................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Tue, 2018-06-05 15:38
thank you, I needed to give
thank you, I needed to give it a better name.
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-06-05 16:02
ummmm how about Kaleidoscope?
ummmm how about Kaleidoscope since the mind scapes keep changing?
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Tue, 2018-06-05 16:09
A fascinating device, use the
A fascinating device, use the word for your poem.
IRiz
raj
Tue, 2018-06-05 16:27
Thanks for the tip friend
Thanks for the tip friend IRiz. I shall keep it in mind
...............................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)