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The Word

Through the hole in the curtain
I look at the sky.
Its colors are slowly blanching.
Naked branches are drawn
by a careless hand: black lines,
dimly gleaming tangle,
wet bark and new torrents
beneath a cloudy blanket
Russians would call туман [toomun].

My darling, I know the word
but will never pronounce it.
It wouldn't be right.
And only at night
hidden behind the curtain
from self and all my unraveling versions
I mouth the word,
I taste its short vowels
that cannot be heard.

I melt sparkling silence
that Russians call лёд [leart].
I talk about the colors
slowly soaked into a welcoming darkness,
the faraway towns, turrets,
resounding bells,
and where they call us,
about the life once chosen,
and journeys with no return.

I talk still tasting the word
I long to pronounce,
still rolling it on my tongue,
dissolving, unfolding
from sweet to forlorn.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

a very somber feeling from this one. I like the hesitancy in saying THE word. The poem sounds like a conversation practiced for an occasion, but not sure if it will ever be spoken. Just a couple of things I'd like to say. I don't think that you really need the line: "by careless hand of a child" [besides, I wouldn't describe a child's drawing as anything careless]. I would also change the word [talk] to speak in the line: "still tasting the word." Or maybe just delete the [ I talk still ] altogether. I think it would give it a bit more starkness. ~ Geezer.
.

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Right on the spot.
Dear Geezer,
It is a treat to be read by you.
You did get the vibe precisely the way I intended.
Your help with selection of words is much appreciated.
I agree I missused the word "careless", I meant artless, naive, worryless. Something like that. How would you describe a hand of a child?

IRiz

author comment

describe it as deliberate, careful, maybe [ artless, naïve ]. Nice job! Me a treat? Thank you very much! ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

лёд [leart].
did you mean heart???
and
also the hole in the atmosphere
known as the Ozone hole
to prevent slicing radiations
harmful ones of the otherwise radiant sun

about a child Gee has advised
all kids are innocent

No I meant the word that rhyms with heard but starts with L

IRiz

author comment

ok understood

So sweet and ever so tenderly written with heart and sensual beauty...Just lovely all the way through!

Did you guess the word she is afraid to say?

IRiz

author comment

love

Thank you.

IRiz

author comment

love this

I talk about the colors
slowly soaked into a welcoming darkness,
the faraway towns, turrets,
resounding bells,
and where they call us,
about the life once chosen,
and journeys with no return.

nice everything. words. you have captured the innocence of our native tongues.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you for reading, Mark.

IRiz

author comment

love

Shhhh don't tell anybody.
Hahaha

IRiz

author comment

its the most taboo subject and the most difficult thing to say , to write about , it is beyond dangerous to feel and nothing will brighten your life more or destroy faster

Love Z

Hi IRiz,
I really enjoyed your poem. It made me think of the period when the great Russian poets often spoke of 'Mother Russia' and their love for her. I also picked up a heavy feel of nostalgia.

"from self and all her unraveling versions" should that be, all my...?

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Ah you are right, I should change it.

IRiz

author comment

I always enjoy your poems; you seem to me singularly honest, particularly about your individuated plight in life. So many people like to cover it in gloss and nonsense; there is none of this with your work, which I hope develops farther and farther.

Hm,
Dear Q, (by the way I always want to call you QuickSilver),
As it takes a poet to read one, it takes an honest soul to like my simple lines. Thank you.

IRiz

author comment
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