Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

I am Smiling

After many days of rain
it is hard to believe the sun.
After long silence
words don't work.

After long life
it is impossible to hope that something
thrown on a boardwalk dead belly up
will fling and float.

But when I see puddles drying
and children out to walk their dogs,
I accept the reality.
So what,
if my house feels like aquarium,
seaweed hangs on the walls,
and every page ever written is soggy?
With a lump in my throat, I am smiling.

I like morning fog,
I like to thank it for things I’ve lost,
the feeling being light and excited like a bird
before the flight over Atlantic.
So what,
if my memories march backward?
I sit on the porch watching seagulls coming.

Maybe it is good that they steal my fries,
and every door in my house is not completely closed,
drafts run through the cracks, slits, and slots,
clap the curled pages, flap books flat on the floor.

Puddles are gone. So what that I am still crying
and ringing in my ears won’t stop?
I live in time with it now, I listen to
the never-ending murmur of my left foot
and I like it.
So what that I am lost
in self-containing loops,
my life is half-written soggy novel?
I am smiling.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
very raw but can't resist the temptation to share a fresh write
Editing stage: 

Comments

read it..
.............................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

This made me feel damp and soggy. I breathed every sigh, felt every gust of wind and the fog dripping down my shoulder and back. My neck is hunched in anticipation of the chilly wind and my eyes frantically seek the sun! It's all good though. You made me feel where you were and that is what counts. It seems to me, that you would be good at writing some dark stuff! I know that your mind doesn't usually run that way, but you might try it. Anyway, I liked it! ~ Geezer.
.

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

Dear Geezer,
Thank you for reading. It is important, very important for me to know what you think about my writes. Thank you.
I tried to be less controlling the situation and just wrote the flow. The repetition works, I think.
Thanks again.

IRiz

author comment

done with a very soft touch.

In blank verse, I think the integrity of the line becomes very important. In traditional poetry, the rhyme created integrity. It's not that free/blank verse line has to conform to music and have so many beats per measure, there is an inner music that the lines create. You pause after each line in the reading, and there's a pace the lines carry. This you do very well in English, a second language after all. So if you read each line and give a slight pause at the end you see how it nicely works. This is the way I approach lines in modern poetry. Quite obviously, based on the stuff Poetry magazine (and the like ) publishes, this is not universally agreed. But it gives me a philosophy of form which when it works is a delight to read.

A few snags:

I live in time with it now, I listen to the
never ending murmur of my left foot

the only time in the poem the lines don't have line integrity but depend on each other.
The only line ending with "the"

also, I believe this should have a question mark.

So what that I am lost
in self-containing loops,
my life is half-written soggy novel?

keep smiling.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Hi Mark,
thank you very much for the explaining of the role of the line breaks.
Yes i feel i am on the right track with it and completely agree with you.
the end of a like comes with the pause and we have to use it.
I've corrected punctuation and line breaks in a new draft.
Please, let me know where my text reveals my "English-second" nature.
I am in the dark here and only can relate to books i read, but the leap between passive and active language is enormous and i need guidance here.
Sincerely yours, Irene

IRiz

author comment

as I was complimenting you on the very nice flow of language and the inner sound of English, that it is a second language.
Each language we speak has its own personality in us. I am not the same in French as I am in English. I throw my hands around differently. English is not so easy for Russians I have noticed (I now have Russians in my family!) Different alphabet, different way to sing, different way to describe grief. So you now are completely schizoid- you have both. Lucky you! (I'm sure a lot of hard work too!)

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Never being called a sbizoid, I am thrilled to the bottom of my heart. Thank you very much, mon ther ami, bisous pour toujours

IRiz

author comment

very cool

I love your recent song! May I re-share the link on G+ ?

IRiz

author comment

sure! would appreciate that greatly! don't know how long it'll stay up, cause I'm rerecording stuff. I can let you know if I rerecord it and where to find it if I do. thanks!

I'll make sure to leave up that track, so you don't have to worry about sharing it and then it disappearing. If you want, I'll let you know when I make progress on that song and this album, though.

Sure, please do!

IRiz

author comment

I am also smiling
the doc's called for an ambulance
to take me for a test psychic
why am I smiling more than usually
he is stiff--- scared to ask me
I can see it
'tis making me smile more
he doesn't yet know for sure

tell me what to say
Irene
why I smile in between
looking at him/!!!!!!!
guess you know!

Dear Lovedly,
Your smile comes from you seeing
your hidden world of words,
where every word is a soldier, his wife and ten children,
where tall towers stand on the mountains of comas,
rivers of rhymes and meters flow in ravines,
where rainbows of songs and rains of prose
mixed with the prayers of devoted wordshipers
rise and pour on and on.

IRiz

author comment

lovedly is about to drown
in smiles
coming from down town

why have you restricted kids 10
we are all able to produce a dozen dozen
but for rubbers
lol
we have many around
each one will be a soldier like me
kissing girls on the streets
and then lay down
and say
let's move on and play
more kids must be found
when we r grannys around
with bellies finally round
smile please
requests lovedly

Did you like my new word "Wordshiper"?

IRiz

author comment

nice word
wordshipper

I read it before as
wordshaper

did u mean I am a ship
which carries words at sea
I create original words like
muchlee soonly and so many
Shakespeare alone then had the privilege
beautifuller
is lovedly
hopefully Irene
Shakingspearely
imaginashone as the best
vizone
visone
could be
how will it now be

Lol
Wordshiper is a worshiper of words
who delivers words across
the vast swards and deep swamps
on the flying ships of silence.

IRiz

author comment

I am Smiling
Submitted by IRiz on Wed, 2018-11-07 20:16
After many days of rain
it is hard to believe the sun.
After long silence
words don't work.

After long life
it is impossible to hope that something
thrown on a boardwalk dead belly up
will fling and float
But when I see puddles drying
and children out to walk their dogs,
I accept the reality.
So what,
if my house feels like an aquarium,
seaweed hangs on the walls
and every page ever written is soggy.

With a lump in my throat, I am smiling.
I like morning fog,
I like to thank it for things I’ve lost,
the feeling being light and excited like a bird
before the flight over the Atlantic.

So what,
if my memories march backward
I sit on the porch watching seagulls coming.

Maybe it is good that they steal my fries,
and every door in my house is not completely closed,
drafts run through the cracks, slits, and slots,
clap the curled pages, flap books flat on the floor.

Puddles are gone. So what that I am still crying
and ringing in my ears won’t stop
I live in time with it now, I listen to
the never-ending murmur of my left foot
and I like it.

So what that I am lost
in self-containing loops,
my life is half-written soggy novel
I am still smiling.

IF YOU FEEL THERE IS NOT MUCH MATERIAL DIFFERENCE
I shall remove it
Just an idea may be
to help thee IRIZ

I only noticed that you have inserted an in front of the word "aquarium"
Is there anything else. I don't count line breaks.

IRiz

author comment

AYE ONE IRENE
A masterpiece

You probably know that the article can be omitted in figurative comparisons.

IRiz

author comment

let me know
you are a great poet
that by now all know

I read this yesterday but I was burned out and couldn't feel it
I read it today and felt you in this poem, a poem yielding to the intimacy of self reflection in both its admission of both wonder and limitation.
To tell you the truth, this charmed unpretentious, oh so pleasing poem washed over me like tears because you where smiling

Maybe you don't need to be better, maybe you just wrote a perfect poem

Dear Z, thank you for reading my lines.
Yes, i feel you caught the essence of my writings, tendrils is insightful metaphor, lol.
It takes a bit bravery to write unpretentious, i am proud of that.
I am glad that my lines pleased you, the world deserves to be liked and accepted as is sometimes and that is my role. Your role is different and i am looking forward to seeing where it takes you and your readers.

Your devoted reader, Irene

IRiz

author comment

Yes to be absent of the pretentious, I think it is brave of you, because its about being laid out bare and then there is either substance or not. Sometimes this is the difference between art and entrainment

i agree :)

IRiz

author comment

Well I hate to be different this time but as you have noted this is a raw write.
I loved the bones of the story, but to me it needs your editing attention, a polish, where the words flow from the pen.
I kept leaping like a salmon into another waterfall of words where it tweaked my interest anew.
Sorry, but I am sure you can understand my hesitation of glow, as your other pieces are more polished and need little work xx
Yours as always Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Sure
Thanks for reading, dear Ian.

IRiz

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.