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Wronged Moms of Wars (Storytelling in Verse WS) Part I

Today I'm weeping like never before,
the merit, my virtue, and some few more.
I'm weeping a bleeding, my motherhood's, tossed,
together with many in wars are lost.

I'm weeping and pillows shall never dry
for they alone can hear my nightly cry.
I'm weeping today what never before,
the merit, my virtue and some few more.

I'm weeping myself, a once decent mother,
who always wanted her kids the better,
till once the war showed its filthy game,
and changed my virtue, my middle name.

I'm weeping my man, my beloved one,
with cold blood was taken behind the sun.
I'm weeping a dad, who loved his home,
but loved more the heaven to live and roam.

I'm weeping for darkness has cloaked my face,
when fiends and devils visited my place.
No matter however how mean that seems,
I played with them with suffocated screams.

I'm weeping for children who watched from behind.
But why do I care? I have nothing to hide.
For all I need is an amount of food,
some clothes and money and the winter's wood.

I'm weeping my sweet kids' innocent hearts.
I need to warm or they'd also depart.
I'm weeping for that's how the world now goes,
Help me! The virtue dies when sin has claws.

Editing stage: 

Comments

this is a good personality. I think you could have done more with it. More angst, more despair. What is she thinking and feeling beyond the obvious? You scarcely scratched the surface here. I know who she is, but many will not. They need more.
Where is the honest cry of pain? Where are the details? It is an overview and not the heart felt crying of a wronged mother. It is the core of something special, but the personality needs to be used. I know this subject is near to you. All the more reason to flesh it out.
I have hesitated using the word "cathartic" concerning our soliloquys, but perhaps this offers such to a woman of war torn Palestine.
You are speaking with another's voice now. Make me weep.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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does it work as a monologue?
May be I have rushed it a bit?

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author comment

it works. I would have liked to see you do more with it, but it is most certainly a soliloquy.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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a war torn woman... is so more torn than anyone can adorn..... its the booty of war for men who have of their own no women ....thus they damn care-- who they lay and slay.... and woman beneath them tear
I just had a dream
a gal was under the water stream
a young guy mounting her
she yelled consider me to be your daughter

have mercy upon my soul
why do you pierce me
like a savage whole

to which he retorted
I have and not had a mother
a girl friend nor sister
they sent me over here
to adopt any one you
not as daughter

call me lover hereafter
wait till with you I have done
and you also enjoy your fun

I have not known of penance .
.Perhaps on such a line
Palestine benign...
and so............on.............

I think you've just composed your one act play (the second assignment) with your comment here.
I also see what you say in your last line, but this is not only about Palestine. It is about everywhere wars hit.
Thanks you.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I also think that this poem can be so much better with a little editing. Wes and Stan have given their suggestions before me. Perhaps adding these words might help.Use them if you want -

screaming in silence
hopes torn asunder
the lost dream for tomorrow
weave of despair
trampled dignity

Alid

I am not sure if your comment came before or after submitting
the edited version, if after I would appreciate pointing out where doesn't the poem stand for you.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

just my thought on your poem
though as you say

I may post it as normal display
not dramatic only if you okay

Perhaps a few more personal pronouns would help especially in the last two lines. I think Wes might be looking for an almost exaggerated speech about the protagonist's view of themselves. But the poem is correct that fame seems to follow sin instead of lack of sin.....stan

I appreciate the suggestion. In fact I am thinking of fleshing it out as Wesley wished
and I am still looking for the right directions to do it.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I still trying to figure out my other voice. I see you got it. Wes is looking for more drama it seems I think. I have not gotten it yet but will.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I believe it wasn't easy to find the "other voice". I think you need to find a one that is close to your heart - (one of your grand children maybe) complaining one of his parents or both.
I am sure you'll find it somewhere around, soon. :)

Have a great day dear.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

That's sounds like a great idea. My son moved to Charlotte. his job transfer him there and now his son refuse to talk to him on the phone. I always got a story to tell. I just need to learn how to tell in in another voice lol.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Let me try.

Voices unheard

I missed you, my son
so far away from home
unable to see you, touch you
don't you know i did all this
for you?

why did you greet me with silence?
i want to hear your voice
telling me about your day
about your school, your friends,
Grandma, everything
there's no need for us to be strangers
i love you like no other

I don't understand you!
You say you love me
but you left me
Without your warmth
I felt so lonely
and angry
I blame it all on you
you chose your work over me!

Alid

His is wonderful. I'll take this and add to it and invite my son to read it and share with his son through his mother. There relationship is a good one.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I don't much care for the contraction (weepin') as it tends to make my mother sound less intelligent and I preferred to see her as bright, perhaps even well educated, but trapped in a heinous circumstance.
It is most definitely dramatic verse.
Time to start working on a one act play. Look to my example for a possible format.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I was only trying to creat a dialect no more no less.
if you say no need, then no need.
Thanks for your time.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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author comment

Could possibly be more powerful if worded a bit differently but that's your call, not mine! War is devastating to many, and your poem brings it home for women!

This one sounded too one dimensional, but if you ever have a chance read Dave Sims' "Cerebus, the Aardvark".
He could twist words around phonetically so that no matter what you did you read it with an accent. Scottish brogue, Russian, German... it was amazing.
I didn't like yours because there wasn't enough of it. It needs to involve all the language and not just one word. Don't shy from it just because this didn't work as well as you might like. You still have a play to write and I for one am anxious to read it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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This one has come a long way since its first post. Nice work, Rula.

Scott

Thank you. I am happy you've felt the improvement.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

For me I could sense the extreme turmoil & helplessness of the character in your soliloquy - a woman, mother & wife in a war zone which resonated through and through. To an extent it is also hair raising. Besides the actual poem, the choice of the subject which connects with the present scenarios is testimony of the empathy of the protagonist.

I have a query: What did you exactly mean by "charged for virtue" in S3L4?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

many thanks for your kind words. I am happy to know you've the message conveyed of such a theme, though I have to admit I was a bit away from my comfort zone, but isn't it what Wesley wants us all to do after all? So saying you felt the pain there means I have to some extent my mission accomplished :)

As for that line, the protagonist as a decent mother has to sell herself for the bad guys in order to get the money she needs to feed and raise her kids after the death of her husband in the war. The cost is always her virtue.
Not sure if this makes any sense.
Please tell if that works or if I should rework it to convey what needed to be said.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

In my opinion, you have definitely succeeded in your mission and should have every reason to smile about it..

Thanks for elaborating on my query. In the context of the poem your explanation now makes more sense. However, in the absence of the explanation at least to me it did not. I don't know about others. If you can work on it, I feel it would lift your poem even more.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I really appreciate your time. I am thinking of editing "charged" to "changed"
I hope this would illuminate the confusion.
Any suggestions are very welcomed.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I have read the comments here and I myself think that your write is about the correct level for the scene it brings.
Who I ask listens to a woman in the war zone, who thinks of her children, or even hears her cries.
If this was projected with more graphical scenes it would then become a man's toy, yes I said a mans toy.
This to me is very good, and as the thoughts that have to be silent from a woman caught in war.
I think you took great care in the way you portrayed the thoughts.
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Ian and many thanks for your kind visit.
I always hope our writing would in a way or another shed a light on the dark spots and draw other's attention as to what should be taken care of.
Please take care you too.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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