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Window Pane

Submitted by Shamoneness on Thu, 2013-03-28 16:05

I am not a window pane
To be sat upon in the rain
I am not a viewer with a hallucinatory brain
To the box that sucks out souls
And sells them in the street
I can walk on my own
With my two cut off feet

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2013-03-29 03:42

Ian.T's picture
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Quite a statement there, though the act of sitting on a window Pane would probably cause lots of Pain.
To alleviate the Pain would "Set Upon" be better for the rain, I would say it is a typo and start again, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Shamoneness

Sun, 2013-03-31 16:26

Shamoneness's picture

for the comment. I guess "set upon" would make more sense; I wasn't really thinking when I wrote this x3 I just let it flow out.

Amber

author comment

Seren

Fri, 2013-03-29 07:33

Seren's picture

is the box the TV ? I rather liked this one not sure if you should change sat for set it could be read two different ways, and I think you meant sat on but I could be wrong lol

nice to read you I dont think I have had the pleasure before :)

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Shamoneness

Sun, 2013-03-31 16:24

Shamoneness's picture

you for reading! :) Yes, the box is the tv.

Amber

author comment

Lenny of Cohen

Fri, 2013-03-29 12:58

Loved this piece! As for the TV set, a weapon of mass distraction, we have been without this monster which people base their lives around and even worship! For some folk its their religion.

Namaste,

Lenny

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

Shamoneness

Sun, 2013-03-31 16:22

Shamoneness's picture

so much! That's sadly true.

Amber

author comment

Frenchf

Sun, 2013-03-31 06:34

Is that the Paralympic pistorius Oscar man who killed his girl friend?
Well described and evocative

Shamoneness

Sun, 2013-03-31 16:21

Shamoneness's picture

No, I never even heard of that until now : 3 It's interesting that you thought of that though

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