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Where do we all go?

November oh no...

It is the last month of the fall.
And indeed almost all of it
already lies flat on the floor.
Shiny gold has fallen
merging with dirt and rain water.
Shrunk and sweet memories,
raisins in the dull bread,
I have to chase it
with coffee to swallow.
Lost in the tunnels of days
following logical rules and fair order
I look into the shallow puddles
and don't recognize my face.
Hair flapping soundlessly,
empty-nests in the eyes,
no traces of birds,
bare branches and first thin ice.
Quiet crawls
from the darkening corners
behind my back.
I chase it with coffee building
far fetched plans to escape.

I will escape somewhere
without roofs and walls
to stay on the shore
until I sunburn
and day rolls over and drops
behind the curls
of dark blue ocean.
I will boil water
on slowly cooling coals.
Hiding from sandy wind
in the dune folds,
watching the bronze
of ancient China grow green,
I will read the patina patterns
marked by eldritch
spirits on living spree.
I will follow spring and sing...

But now...
golden flow of headlights
in my rear view mirror
on the grey dawn.

IRiz November 2017

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Welcome to Neopoet!!! Your poem is well
written, seems you are not the novice which
is wonderful. Please do, jump in with both
feet, offer comment/critique on other works,
that is truly the way it's done here, we give and
take advice.

If you have any questions you can ask me or
pretty much any other member with an "advocate"
badge.

welcome again, and I thought your poem was
very good ... I could slip right in.

Hello dear Themoonman! Thank you for your kind response.
I consider myself a beginner thinking how much I have to learn and seeing how far from perfection my poems are.
I try to write honest lines and that I feel makes them attractive.
I am looking forward to sharing the poetic vibe here.
Sincerely,

IRiz

author comment

...now, we just stare at the void of ....me!

love your words,

g

We stare at the void of I
a bottomless but boring form
of sacrifice.
The words around us
swirl, time turns,
new songs are born,
plains crash.
Lightenings, storms,
droughts.
The world is in turmoil.
We miss it all
and quickly growing old.
We stare at the void of I
without asking why
and what for.

IRiz

author comment

i've asked all the questions
but no-one makes sense
only furrows in my forehead
where numbness is intense
and good because a meathook
has ripped apart my brain
with ugly allegations
that i'm exempt from pain.

g

oh, burrowing insectivore!
you are my sweetest choice.
you are my hope and sorrow.
I know that nothing is worth
even the slightest furrow
on your prehistoric head.
go ahead take a rest
there is always tomorrow.

IRiz

author comment

AArdvark
Africa my birth place as man was born
Ants so busy they just keep me warm
Roaming the bush from mound to mound
Delving with tounge deep underground
Velvet termites a great soft feast for me
Aware of the others, hurry up, I must flee
Remember me, and let me plant my seed
Keep us safe from this extinctions greed.

You were talking about this lovely creature and it was a while back I wrote this acrostic.
I have several if I find something of interest I will write about it n some way,
Take care, Yours as always Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

ha ha nice

IRiz

author comment

in about 15 to 19 lines
that's all I am able to read and enjoy
also welcome to Neo
Iain't much of a poet though

I visited your site found a typo
''dilapidated'' may be
grinder

I shall read more of your
lovely poetry
I love creativity

Dear Lovedly,
thank you for your kind correction,
It was not a typo but an error coming from mixing languages. Sometimes the isolation between English and Russian leaks causing brain short circuits.
I appreciate your interest, thank you for visiting my Google profile.
It is rewarding to know that my poems are readable. I plan to try your patience and publish here one of my longest poems. It is called One Carnation. I hope there is enough content to keep you reading. Please, let me know when you drop it.
Looking forward to keeping in touch, sincerely IRiz

IRiz

author comment

kak varsha pharmiliya
ya znayu nem nogo ruskee
hahaha ochen khoroshaw

u menya radh swamy paznkomitsa
reply in not ruskee debushka

Hey. It is nice to know that you have mastered Russian. Молодец. Это трудно. Меня зовут Ирина Риз. Я училась в Москве.

IRiz

author comment

now I only know
nemnogo
what you say is like French to me
au revoir debushka....

I just complemented you knowing Russian. I used simple expressions that easily translated by automatic means. But nevermind.

IRiz

author comment

spaceeba devyuskka
au revoir

you are kind
I went to your blog
read a few lines
you know the state
of my tired mind last night
so I retired for some time later
may be after the finality
so watch me patiently
kindly

Thank you:)

IRiz

author comment

-

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the most poetic comment I ever read in my life.
You see me through, I am a transparent wanderer.

IRiz

author comment

A very impressive poem. Effective use of the more subtle prosodic devices, often overlooked by less experienced poets, like consonance, assonance and near rhyme. Great imagery and a haunting, almost bleak tone. Really no serious crit or suggestions, just some teensy weensy things you may wish to address.

Most importantly I don't like the double spacing. To avoid it whilst typing either adjust the paragraph settings in your word processor or use Shift-Enter instead of Enter to make a line break instead of new paragraph. To remove it after a piece is written do a search and replace for ^p to ^l.

It is the last month of the fall. [the definite article is not usually used with seasons, unless you wanted the ambiguity with falling]
And indeed allmost all of it [almost]
to stay on the shore until I burn [I'm not sure about this line, maybe it's me but I can't see what causes the burn]

these lines are superb!-
watching the bronze of ancient China
grow green
I will read the patina patterns
marked by eldritch spirits on living spree
I will follow spring and sing...

A personal peeve, be very wary of ending a piece with a question. To me it evokes plaintiff adolescent pleas. Why me? What does it all mean? Frankly, since it is in the title I think you could lose it altogether.
But now...
golden flow of headlights
in my rear view mirror
on the grey dawn.
makes a fine evocative ending.

oo oo, I did a reading
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/where-do-we-all-go-by-irene-iriz-riz
May I post it to our Neopoet Facebook page at
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1737302023208400/ ?
Are You on Facebook? I couldn't find you there. Or you can copy and paste this link to your Google+ page if you wish.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Dear Jess,
Thank you for reading my poem.
Your comments are encouraging
and suggestions make perfect sense.
They break the ice of my loneliness,
you know the one that forms around
when nobody reads your lines.

Thank you for reading it aloud. It does sound good.
Of course you may post it on FB.
I will send a friend request later today.

I meant sunburn, shall I add it ?

IRiz

author comment

Sometimes small changes make a big difference.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

Thanks again. Are you my official mentor now?
Or shall I fill out a form or formal request?

IRiz

author comment

Yes, I made it official straight after we talked about it in messages. Between business and health issues it's just now I've been able to start addressing it adequately.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

take your time, health is important i understand

IRiz

author comment
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