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Watching.

Submitted by Clobro on Wed, 2023-02-08 01:07

It was watching.

This large creature, looming in the shadows
Had a spiteful look.
Eyes like reddish mirrors in the dark,
Two black horns.
Twisting and turning, they stood up high on its skull.
The creature hissed and opened its mouth,
Revealing rows upon rows of sharp teeth stained red with blood.

It was watching.

Glowing reflections in its red eyes,
And roaring fire in its heart.
The creature, with its slimy skin,
Looked almost like a whale with four legs.
Its tail had a metallic fin, split into two,
Its edges sharp and stiff like a blade.

It was watching.
Prey.

The creature smirked, hate in its eyes.
Revenge at last.
It flicked its heavy tail down, waiting and waiting.
It crouched down, its eyes watching.
Its prey was reflected on the creature's mirrorlike eyes.
The creature was waiting,
Waiting for the right time.

To

Strike.

It leaped with powerful legs.
Its claws dug deep into the flesh of its prey.
Warm blood.
It let out an ear-piercing screech
And bit down
Into the human prey.
She had no time.
No time to scream,
No time to run,
Before it swallowed her.

And her body was reclaimed.
She screeched.
Another creature.
A replica,
And the original started to peel away
As her skin became its skin
And her face became its face.

It roared again.

It was watching.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
attempt at horror, what emotions does this evoke for you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Explicit Content

Comments

swamp-witch

Mon, 2023-03-27 09:34

swamp-witch's picture
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This is really fun, an unnerving attempt at horror for sure. I'm picturing some of the cryptids that have taken the Internet by storm lately: wendigos, mothman, skinwalkers, and others are very popular right now. Lots of artists are taking inspiration from them.

Some thoughts for you to consider:

There are a few places where you repeat the same word rather close together. You might consider rephrasing some of these with synonyms. Especially in short poetry, sometimes the flow is disrupted or it just sounds odd to hear the same words repeated close together when it's not clearly a purposeful repetition.

It let out an ear-piercing screech
She screeched.

Prey.
Its prey was reflected on the creature's mirrorlike eyes.
Its claws dug deep into the flesh of its prey.
Into the human prey.

The repetition of "It' throughout the poem also can feel a little repetitive. Having so many lines written as sentences of the actions that "it" does feels very list-like. You might consider taking a few of them and rephrasing them some to create more variety. You have the purposefully repeated the "It was watching" line, which works well. The other lines can take away from the impact of that repetition.

Its tail had a metallic fin, split into two,
Its edges sharp and stiff like a blade.
It flicked its heavy tail down, waiting and waiting.
It crouched down, its eyes watching.
Its prey was reflected on the creature's mirrorlike eyes.
It leaped with powerful legs.
Its claws dug deep into the flesh of its prey.
It let out an ear-piercing screech
It roared again.

Looking forward to more of your poetry. I hope these ideas are useful to you.

Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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