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Faults

Submitted by Clobro on Sun, 2021-12-05 12:54

Today, I wondered
Where is the light?
Here, I had suffered
Nothing feels right

With nowhere to go,
Nowhere to be,
Why do I not see
A fault in me?

Oh please, oh please tell
What can I be
When I live on Earth,
So painfully?

Nothing replies, but
Just out of sight
The wind whispers
One word of light.

"Remember." The pain,
Had hid inside
This small heart of mine.
I let it run.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Michael Anthony

Mon, 2021-12-06 10:59

Michael Anthony's picture
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Really enjoyed this piece, and the imagery is wonderful. Just my opinion, but as I read this back and skipped the third stanza, it had a much better flow, and a more powerful message. Thank you for sharing!

Best

Michael Anthony

Seren

Tue, 2023-02-14 05:45

Seren's picture

I think this is an relevant poem in todays world so many people are struggling to be what ever youre meant to be,

Now I agree with Michael on that third stanza but I think the hitch could be smoothed out thus.

*Oh please tell me*
What can I be
When I live on Earth,
So painfully?

Changing that one line makes all the difference, as always, my suggestions are just that.

Kind Regards Seren

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Clobro

Thu, 2023-02-16 00:55

Clobro's picture

thank you for the words

author comment

Seren

Thu, 2023-02-16 02:03

Seren's picture

You're welcome that reads much better

Regards Seren/Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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