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TO WACO AT 2 YEARS

Fate is a strange thing so they say
and I at three long score of years
know that come 'most any day
I might pass through that veil of tears
before you have the chance to know me.
Such is the grinding of time's gears.

It may be that many years from now
you'll look through an old photo book
then pause with wrinkled curious brow
at my faded picture someone took
then start to wonder about me
as through faded film my eyes look.

I guess you'll ask your mom and dad
but do sons ever really know their father
and all the dreams he might have had
or how much he loved his brother,
whose loss meant so much to me,
or the many times we'd mock each other?

You might go to an old folks home
after tracking some friend of mine down,
maybe we two used to roam
in forests far from any town.
Well, he'd know just that part of me,
about my work he'd only frown.

There'll be some for whom I built a house
when they were young and I was old
but they now creep, halting, like a mouse
yet still live in that home unsold.
I hope their words speak well of me
in any tales they might espouse.

On walls old deer heads might reside
or fish might even, frozen, swim
from all the years I spent outside
under suns both bright and dim;
perhaps you'll think that they define me;
rest assured I'm more than them.

Instead seek out these old notebooks
in an attic or underneath a stair
or some other out of the way nooks.
It's in those pages that I share
the way I really see myself.
Your grandpa's soul will be stored there.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Waco is my only grandchild who just turned 2
Editing stage: 

Comments

i feel like wes should see this since he's always looking for the longer ones lol
ANYWAY here's my crit: i am befuddled by the fourth stanza, but i have the feeling that it's one of those instances where the author knows exactly what it means, and that is enough. the pattern is just a little bit off in some places, but hey, that's perfectly fine (whoever can pace a poem perfectly EVERY TIME deserves all of the awards). switch the last two lines in the fifth stanza and you'll preserve your meter there.
the length is perfect, i love the content and the way it unfolds, i think it's very nice. could you elaborate on the title a bit?

mag

Thank you for your input. I will let this gather a few more comments then do an edit. I was worried that the 4th stanza might be a bit unclear as to meaning. Thanks for dropping by on this longish read.......stan PS this was written just after my grandson, Waco's, second birthday. With me being almost 61 I sometimes think that he might not get the chance to know me......

author comment

I have no problem understanding the 4th stanza....I love this - of course MM is whispering in my ear, but this time I'm ignoring her.... :)

I really enjoyed this scribbles
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Tell MM that I always return after posting to try and edit for rhythm and such lol. If anybody is whispering in your ear it should be hubby. I'm pleased you like this venture into a new( at least for me) rhyme pattern......stan

author comment

be proud of you. I know he will like it. I think you must frame this and put it in his bed room. He might become a great poet like his grand pa one day Stan.
I really like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Being only 2 years of age i kinda doubt he knows what pride is yet lol. I periodically copy all my stuff off the comp. then place them in alphabetical order so i guess he might run up on this one some day. And making fun of my size by calling me great is a bit rude lmao.........stan

author comment

First, one day Wasco will grow up and learn what pride is from you and his father.
Second, I suggested framing this as being written for him especially. Trust me. He won't look into the whole stuff.
Third, I haven't exaggerated. Great poets were no better than you. I find it strange that you think I am rude by saying so.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Perfect example of humour not being understood cross-culture
the words such as 'great', with their multiple meanings and connotations often needs an owner of the mother tongue to see the innuendo
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I tend toward self deprecation so pardon my quip about being of great size lol. I guess I might keep this separate along with some others written for him in a small binder then he can see everything i wrote about him then make own decision of what to frame.

author comment

I still don't get it.
What other meanings could a word like great imply?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

you said stan is a great poet, in sincerity,,,, stan was having a go at himself, and his supposed over-size .... great as in body - big, large - and just pretending that is what you meant
he was only being facetious ...
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Great is often used in describing size and I was not willing to display a large ego as to my poetry so I just joked about you having referred to my size instead............. If Jess sees this he'll give me a reaming for being awkward in accepting compliments

author comment

Hmmm big frown its not only Jess who will give you a reaming !! Your a brilliant poet and I have watched how hard you've worked to improve your poetry I've been here a long time it was 2008 I think I joined neo that's a f-ing long time to be around lol makes me feel old

Now your a naughty man I cried when I read this the sentiment is just beautiful and not sickly sweet or maudlin beautifully done hun, I had intended to post a poem tonight and it was similar to this one I might leave it in the draw for a later date I think, and maybe do a little more work on it, mine is far from smooth and your poem really showed that to me

its so nice to read you again and be able to haunt the pages for a couple of hours, it really is hard to find the energy by the time I look after myself ? well I am stuffed I just don't have the energy to scratch myself most days lol

much love sis xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

It's been too long since I've seen you peeking out of a page of mine lol. But I know your being AWOL was not of your own doing. Between you and Rula I'm gonna have to get a big head.Guess I can buy new hats . Also, take my word for it feeling old ain't as bad as being old. Don't overdo it during your recovery and I expect you can find somebody to scratch your itches......whatever the type lmao....stan

author comment

those psychotics deserved to die

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

in the world are you talking about? What psychotics?

author comment

Otherwise my comment was wrong and completely inappropriate an I apologise.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

accepted. Still have no idea what seige you're referring to though

author comment

Waco siege
Main article: Waco siege

On February 28, 1993, there was a shootout in which six Branch Davidians and four agents of the United States Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) died. After 50 days, on April 19, 1993, a standoff between FBI agents and Branch Davidians ended in a fire that destroyed their compound located in Mt. Carmel, near Waco. Seventy-four people, including leader David Koresh, died in the blaze. This event became known as the Waco siege.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I recall that fiasco. But my grandson's name is shared by me whose middle name is waco. And I inherited it from My grandfather whose middle name was also Waco. So it's a family name and has nothing to do with that town in Texas.........stan

author comment

my very bad, I should have read more carefully, my sincere apologies.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

A great many thought my middle name resulted from a killer tornado which hit that Texas town in the forties or fifties..........and considering my hot temper they might be partially right lol........stan

author comment

you'll find (for the most part) that the meter is a combination of anapest and iamb.
Imagine that.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

really think I accidentally combined the Right two. I assure you it was accidental lol. But since the two are natural combinations I don't guess it's that big of a surprise......stan

author comment

more of your work doesn't naturally flow into meter. You have even made your metrical flaws a kind of signature or idiosyncrasy.
I bet Welsey's workshop "Meter is our friend" is helping. His teaching on this subject far surpasses anything I have seen (or done).

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Between that darn sonnet shop and wes' meter shop I've gotten a sore skull from beating it against metric walls lol. Both wes and Rula are about as patient with me as anybody could dream of expecting. Yet even after completing them and the other upcoming meter shops I will likely still sacrifice perfect meter to clarity of message. But at least I'll know when I'm doing so which should add to the effectiveness .
"poetic voice" I think is my main downfall in meter. I subconsciously use it to smooth rhythm. I have a sneaking suspicion that if all my stuff was only heard and not read that most meter slips would be unnoticed...appreciate the visit..............stan

author comment

I think I might have to do some more readings of your works. Where your ear can smooth over some things, someone else's might not. I only do it because I care. [grins evilly]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

read another thread in which they're debating the number of syllables in finally. I assume it has three but I know in southern English we tend toward slower pronunciations. And in yankee the pronunciations tend to be shorter. I'm not gonna consult dictionary to see which is right because I think they're both right lol.

I'm gonna have a bit of spare time over the next week or so and one thing I intend to do is get where I can post spoken word here. No need in My comp screen being the only one endangered by the noise lol......stan

author comment

i await your spoken word with baited breath, stan. it's great to see that more people are getting into it :)

also, referring to prior comments, Wesley is a genius with meter. i'd consider him the go-to guy on neo.

if you log in one day and you hear something that sounds like a cross between a cat fight and a rumbling thunderstorm you'll know to not run and hide. It will just be me reciting "Homeplace" lol

author comment

as a cross between Donald Duck and a bumble bee, no wonder I have live reading performance anxiety. That was a while ago. Now after forty years of smoking it is more acceptably gruff and growly.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

i love listening to spoken word from all kinds of voices, i think it really adds personality to the performance no matter what the voice sounds like. donald duck and a bumble bee, i find that kind of hard to imagine lmao

Thank you. I'm not that good really, but for goodness sake don't tell anyone.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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