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Tidelands
The Norfolk coast is haunted by the sea
as many towns have fallen in its path,
their houses buried deep within the sand
the lives they held now broken by the waves.
The tide that wins each battle with the land
leaves ghostly echoes of a world not free.
The wind upon the Wash blows hard and free,
it often howls like wolves across the sea
and savages its way onto the land.
There are no trees that can stand in its path
as it is just as brutal as the waves
that crash way out upon the waiting sand.
On mornings when the tide is out the sand
can glisten like the light of stars set free
and those walking the beach can't hear the waves
as there's at least a mile before the sea.
But if you're quick you'll maybe find a path
that leads you out onto the stark tideland.
It pays to watch your step though on this land,
as there are some who've witnessed the quicksand
attempt to claim all those who leave the path
and wander seeking rock pools wild and free.
And do not loiter long out near the sea
as the tide turn may catch you with its waves.
You may be looking out at rippling waves
and have no thought behind you of the land,
but there's none so deceitful as the sea,
which rises up from underneath the sand.
Then when you turn you'll see that you're not free
as waves are flowing over all the path.
The locals are the ones who know which path
can save all the unwary from the waves,
but even though their help is there for free
you'd best decide to never leave the land.
For even when the tide is in the sand
can trap those who do not respect the sea.
So do not follow paths across tidelands
to watch the waves caress the gleaming sand,
as death is there for free, the cause the sea.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-11-14 20:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem is well-structured and employs a sestina form, which is a complex, 39-line form of poetry. The repetition of end words in each stanza is consistent with the sestina form, and it is executed effectively in this poem, contributing to the overall rhythm and flow.
The poem's theme is clear and consistent throughout, focusing on the power and danger of the sea, and the impact on the land and people. The use of vivid imagery, such as "the wind upon the Wash blows hard and free", "the tide turn may catch you with its waves", and "death is there for free, the cause the sea", effectively conveys the harsh, unforgiving nature of the sea and its environment.
However, the poem could benefit from a more varied use of language and metaphors to further enrich the imagery and emotional impact. For instance, the phrase "the tide that wins each battle with the land" could be expanded with more specific or unique details to paint a more vivid picture of the sea's relentless encroachment on the land.
The poem could also delve deeper into the human element. While the poem mentions "the lives they held now broken by the waves" and "locals who know which path can save all the unwary from the waves", these are somewhat fleeting references. Expanding on these elements could add another layer of depth and emotional resonance to the poem.
In terms of rhythm and meter, the poem mostly maintains a consistent rhythm, but there are a few lines that disrupt the flow, such as "as there's at least a mile before the sea" and "as death is there for free, the cause the sea". These lines could be reworked to better fit the overall rhythm of the poem.
Overall, the poem effectively uses the sestina form and vivid imagery to convey its theme, but could benefit from more varied language, deeper exploration of the human element, and some adjustments to maintain a consistent rhythm.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2023-11-15 13:22
I would...
combine most all of the lines in each verse, into four lines and put them into quatrains. I think you might even get a sequel out what is left. Of course, I did read this all the way through, to the end, sooo... you held my interest, although I think that it is
overburdened with seas and sand and land and waves... ~ Geezer.
.
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Eleri
Sat, 2023-12-16 04:44
I would
I take your point and will have another look at t.
Eleri
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2023-12-16 05:37
Dear Eleri,
Maybe it is just me; but I tripped over these rough lines:
but there's none so deceitful as the sea,
which rises up from underneath the sand.
Then when you turn you'll see that you're not free
as waves are flowing over all the path.
However, I really liked these lines:
The wind upon the Wash blows hard and free,
it often howls like wolves across the sea
and savages its way onto the land.
There are no trees that can stand in its path
as it is just as brutal as the waves
that crash way out upon the waiting sand.
*Seasons Greetings, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Eleri
Sun, 2023-12-17 04:50
Dear Eleri response
I can see your point I think. The trouble with trying to write a sestina is the need to put those same words at the end every time. I think that, as a result, some of my lines are a bit 'clunky'. I will have another look.
Eleri
author comment