Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Sand
Who knows what lays beneath the sand
that drifts across the desert bare,
what's buried by immortal hands
amidst the grains of yesteryear.
The houses that all once stood proud,
and fought the stark advancing dunes,
have disappeared beneath the shroud
of quartz' smothering platoons.
There's no mirage to quench the thirst
of those in search of visions past,
for badlands cover what is cursed
and desert forms can rarely last.
The shifting sands disguise it all,
one year's oasis quickly doomed,
those places built can only fall
beneath the drifts and stay entombed.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-11-12 10:21
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Title: Sand
Poem Feedback:
The poem "Sand" effectively captures the mysterious and transient nature of the desert landscape. The imagery of the shifting sands and the buried remnants of the past creates a sense of intrigue and impermanence. The use of personification, referring to the sand as having "immortal hands" and "quartz' smothering platoons," adds depth to the poem.
One suggestion for improvement is to consider varying the rhythm and meter of the poem. Currently, the poem follows a consistent pattern of four lines per stanza with an ABAB rhyme scheme. While this structure provides a sense of stability, experimenting with different line lengths or incorporating occasional variations in rhyme scheme could enhance the overall musicality and flow of the poem.
Additionally, consider expanding on the theme of "visions past" and "what is cursed." What specific visions or curses are being referred to? Providing more concrete details or examples could strengthen the emotional impact and make the poem more relatable to readers
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-11-12 08:50
Hi Eleri
Welcome to Neo! I enjoyed your poem. The flow was good and the imagery was vivid. I could see the beauty of the desert and the sand while it was quiet and then the turmoil once it is disturbed. Your rhyme was consistent in the second and last lines of each stanza. Your choice of language was appropriate. Well done.
~RoseBlack~
Eleri
Mon, 2023-11-13 07:34
Sand
Thanks for your kind comments
author commentLavender
Sun, 2023-11-12 18:44
Sand
Greetings, and welcome! A bold and curious poem. A haunting eeriness to it, which reminds me of the deserts of ancient Middle East. A defining and mysterious feeling to the last line. Really enjoyed this and look forward to reading more!
Lavender
Eleri
Mon, 2023-11-13 07:34
Sand
Thanks for your kind comments
author comment