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A Study in Pink ( Section Two)

It's late, yet none could fall asleep
while Mog the monster's free somewhere.
Mystery wraps, the demons weep,
and rain won't wash what has to scare.
No footprints, or bullets are found,
it's Mog for sure, again they face.
the bobbies desperate, they are drowned,
confusion seems would close this case.

Around the corner lives poverty,
but only coal is there to feed.
Someone has to kill the enemy,
before it grows up fast with greed.
So many Mogs behind now stand,
emotions die, and so the brains.
They all are starving to clean the land,
no matter if considered insane.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm confused. I thought Stan is the monster Mog ut you submitted this one.

Alid

You're right about Stan being the monster, but remember we can write about any character as suits the story not necessarily yours.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Do you mean to say that while we can create the character, we don't have to be it in the poem? emmm. How does the format go in the poem itself to build up the story?

Alid

You can pick up where the person left off or start somewhere else. You can stay in character or use others. The story will build from that. It will be easier once all characters have made their entrance and start milling around the story. Keep your eyes open. Anabel is up next. Rula, really nice foreshadowing of the evil that lurks and will continue to lurk as the story goes.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I agree it's of much fun. What I don't like is the being under the pressure feeling that a queue is waiting you to submit yours so they would be able to post theirs, however, this must have an advantage too. Writing under pressur is something I rarely practiced.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

That writing under pressure is a little stressful but necessary for this project. I will be able to work on mine and post tonight after the kids are to bed. Then I can concentrate.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

build up from where I have left or build on using onother character, another scene but connected in a way or another. Use your witness. :)
Good luck

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I think the queue is less pressuring bc you have time create your character in mind before writing and posting.
Rula I would like to have seen more about your character as well as someone else's. I didn't see that here. I will though read again to see if I missed it somehow.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Only about your character. Sometimes you need to build on others' too
Here for instance, I talked about Stan's monster and then introduced my character Arnold who was seeking revenge because of the bad conditions that he grew in.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

After another read. No footprints or bullets. So Mog is a mystical creature that consumed the victim or drain some element from his body causing his death. I'm trying to picture your plot. "Around the corner poverty lived". It seems poverty maybe the Mog. Maybe the victim starved to death from hunger. Your plot is kinda vague to me, but after a reread three times to get a picture I suppose my character is investigating your description of Mog to figure out how the victim died. My detective character here. Lol can't wait to see who Carrie Annabel is.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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In the distant past Mog and its brethren fed on the emotions of animals. This change when humans appeared. For the emotions of human is a much richer flavor BUT Mog and his species could not live in a symbiotic relation with human. Whatever caused the better taste also made the relation between Mog and humans parasitic. By feeding on human emotions Mog also weakened the humans. And Mog in particular LOVES the taste of human insanity and thus drives its hosts insane

I like your Mog

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Is someone u would never guess...hehehe...u know me...have to push the boundaries

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

is part of the story, have you read Stan's profile?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You sound defensive. Did I despict your idea of the Mog or did I add to it. I guess Ill write it in my detective character.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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I am( the suspect) giving you ( the detective) a hard time. This is my job, isn't it? LOL.
But I really believe we should read others' profiles and make acquaintance
with all of the characters.
ps. Poverty refers in a way to Arnold.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I read all the characters a couple of times or more. My feeble brain can't keep them all up there. I must adjust my brain cells just to keep up and actually get this. Its all new to me this storytelling.
Okay so you the suspect is stan's Mog. See how slow I can be. Lol. It's why I break things down into details so I can get it better.
I read Arnold again he's a man that lived in poverty. Okay the Mog and suspect 2 you.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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is posted. Everyone, meet Anabel Lee Sumner

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

Nicely built up sequence in the story unfolding. I have only two suggestions, you may want to look at :-

In S1L4 "and rain won't wash what has to scare" try to look for an alternative line., since at least to me I couldn't understand what exactly you mean here.

In S2L7 "They all are starving to clean the land" would "cleanse" be a better option. Just a thought.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

And many thanks for your thoughtful feedback.

As for that line, it refers to something written back by Wesley in (section one) I appreciate if you have any chance to read it and tell me then if the line makes any sense.

And yes cleanse is definitely more poetic and shall do when edits take place.

Can't thank you enough dear Sublime Ocean

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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author comment

If I may I think a slight reminder when referring to another character in your section would make it easy on the newbies. Jogs to memory works better than too much vagueness. We want to follow the flow of the story. Getting stuck and being told go bavk and read another section or profile bogs the process.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I believe you are referring to the following line from Wesley's (Section 1)

"The rain pours down; it’s playing truth or dare"

If so, I still feel "and rain won't wash what has to scare" doesn't gel well. You may ask Wesley though what is implied by "truth or dare" before considering my comment as valid. I believe the dare is with respect to his earlier line about demons .

Although, I'm not sure if it would fit properly, perhaps an alternative could be Rain won't wash what's come to bear" or "rain won't wash the icy glare"

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I hope Sir Wesley will read your comment.
I'm much grateful for your alternatives. Will consider them after hearing from sir Wesley.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

No big deal really to add a few pence to the collaborative WS which is developing so nicely. Yes, it would be right to know Wesley's opinion.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

To see you among the active participants of the WS, but of course you know better about your priorities.
Regards

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

A lot of discussion. Exciting.
Remember we are telling an ensemble tale. Use all characters. We all created one at a time to produce our principal cast, but we must use them all. You should not focus on your character only. It's starting to look like everyone is blaming Mog. Who did he possess or is that what he even does?
Also, Fitzroy died because his head is missing. Where is it? Somebody help us look. It may lend a clue to where the actual killer was or is.

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Since Mog is the only suspect reveal in the sections so far by Rula. As the detective I think maybe Mog may have took his head by scaring him to point point he gets beheaded. Then taking it with him for some mystical reason. As for Carrie Annabel i haven't figure how she would have cause the victim head to go missing. Maybe she took it as some suvineur for her sick ritual of men sacrifice. Just thinking

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