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Someone more than I

Submitted by jove on Mon, 2012-01-16 14:43

And there is always someone in more pain,
a hunger to which I can not relate.
Someone who's anguish, borders on insane.
Someone with so much more upon their plate.

And what right do I have to make complaint?
What horrors have I suffered on this Earth?
Empty canvas devoid of hope or paint,
a victim from the moment of Its birth.

What right have I to morn upon its grave?
What solace gathered should I end it's plight?
What false anger unfurls the flags we wave?
And what would be the point, to win its fight?

To stifle pain and anguish is my fate.
I have no more worth I have been no saint.
As someone more than I needs to be saved.

by Jove !

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Last few words: 
As the box states "the last few words" contain a weak rhyme scheme . Could this be over looked for the sake of conte(nt)unity?? lol Ps... Try not to be too gruff I have a weak heart !!! lol jove!
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-01-17 12:40

Candlewitch's picture
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I have not seen you here before, so, I will say; hello and welcome to the neo poet site! If it were my poem (which it isn't) I would shorten the title to read: (More Than I) I like the premise of this piece. Nice rhyme scheme!

Suggestions:

I would change all the (it's to its) unless you mean to use the contraction for (it is)
you could remove the last three lines (the last verse) and still have a viable poem. If you leave them in, I think you should add a fourth line to them with the same rhyme structure which you carried throughout the poem. That's just my opinion, in the end it's your poem.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

jove

Wed, 2012-01-18 02:42

jove's picture

I was at the last location had a few poems there .
I fixed the it's to its issue thank you.

As for the other suggestions this poem is a sonnet

Thanks any way

by jove

By Jove !

author comment

Race_9togo

Tue, 2012-01-17 18:47

Race_9togo's picture
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and welcome to Neopoet, Jove. A belated welcome, since I see that you have posted three poems already. I am sorry that I missed the others, I will read them when I can.
I like this poem of yours. The cadence is good, the meaning clear, and I like the sense of predestiny and fate that I feel in the piece.

I do think it could use another edit, however. The use of "and" as the first word of the first line is far too passive, to me, and you could lose most of the commas to improve the flow, which for me tends to stutter at those pauses. Also, "upon their plate" really doesn't need the quotation marks.

But all in all this is good, and could be great with another edit.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

jove

Wed, 2012-01-18 02:51

jove's picture

Thanks for the welcome, although I have been a member for over a year lol
As I re-read I had a little trouble with flow therefore tried a quick fix with a barrage of commas.
I see it did not go over very well, lol. Offending commas removed.
upon your plate is a saying so I thought ... ah wrong as it were! fixed thank you !
and well met .

By Jove !

author comment

loved

Wed, 2012-01-18 00:45

loved's picture

my maiden read
Do act upon the advices rendered
They are invaluable
as these emanate from wiser poets

loved

jove

Wed, 2012-01-18 11:20

jove's picture

Ah "wiser" , I beg to differ, but I will make elbow room at the same table .

And you are welcome as well. (smile)

By Jove !

author comment
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