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She (an early eddy styx poem)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Wed, 2023-08-16 07:17

She

I didn't slay her...

She was gone when I found her

but;

overcome with curiosity

I...

softly touched her pale, swollen lips

and,

smelled her creamrinse-fragrant hair.

---
*eddy styx is my murderous, Male alter ego who writes dark poetry
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-08-16 13:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem titled "She" demonstrates a clear understanding of the use of suspense and intrigue to engage readers. The use of ellipses and line breaks effectively contributes to the overall pacing and tone of the poem, creating a sense of mystery and tension.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of imagery. The description of the subject's "pale, swollen lips" and "creamrinse-fragrant hair" is vivid and engaging, but these are the only concrete images in the poem. Including more sensory details throughout the poem could help to create a more immersive and impactful reading experience.

Additionally, the note about "eddy styx" being the author's "murderous, Male alter ego who writes dark poetry" could potentially be incorporated into the poem itself, rather than included as a footnote. This could provide additional depth and context to the poem, and could also serve to further engage readers.

Lastly, the use of punctuation in the poem is somewhat inconsistent. While the use of ellipses and commas can contribute to the poem's pacing and tone, the capitalization of "Male" in the footnote and the use of a semicolon after "but" may not be necessary. Ensuring consistent and correct punctuation can help to maintain the poem's overall flow and readability.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Wed, 2023-08-16 11:25

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I can see his curious face and half smile
and looking through his dark eyes, the young girl.
He would have made sweet love to her, before taking her life.
He was subtly jealous that someone had gotten there before him,
someone had had the pleasure of those pale, swollen lips, someone...

I love this! Wow, so poignant, such ecstasy! Great stuff, without a whole lot of words and explanations.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-09-11 13:26

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I am certainly glad you enjoyed this poem of mine. thanks for telling me your thoughts...how are you doing?

*ever, eddy styx

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2023-09-13 16:00

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staying out of trouble... and leading a boring life, barely able to escape to the world of Neoland for a few stolen hours a day.
But you brighten my day by your inquiry, eddy. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ruby Lord

Thu, 2023-08-17 04:58

Ruby Lord's picture

Wow Cat, you've done it again. This is so intense and eerie. Your brief poem is full of impact, suspense and mystery. I think your alter ego is deliciously wicked. Well done, loved it. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-09-11 13:35

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I'll tell her ;)
I really enjoy stretching my imagination and using it to find poetry within. it is poets like yourself, who take the time to read my dark offerings and comment, that make it a rewarding exercise. thank you!

*ever, eddy styx

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Lavender

Thu, 2023-08-17 23:13

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Hi, Cat,
I think this is one of Eddy's best. Dark and grizzly.
L

Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-09-11 13:37

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you make my day/night,

*ever, eddy styx

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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