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Senryu String: Fields Of Dreaming (by eddy styx)

Senryu String: Fields Of Dreaming (by eddy styx)

her signature scent
wafting on room's air current
fills his head and mind

will she stay this time
he ponders this question now
hopes fulfilled she sleeps

candles on night-stand
their heads on same pillow smiles
soft night spent dreaming

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

makes these strings smooth and lanquid, like the mood they are supposed to portray.
"hope fulfilled she sleeps"
"soft night spent dreaming".
Nice stuff, ~ Hugs from the boys, Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I've been getting into Senryu lately. I would like to see some more from you.

ever, eddy
*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

but it is worth doing some more. I will attempt to do as well as you have done. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

yes you did...I'm just greedy and want more, LOL

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Just leave that alone. It says what you need it to say. Nice language. Perfect pattern.

thank you for reading and the uplifting comment >{^*;*^}< *hugs, Cat & eddy styx!

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Only thing wrong with this poem is that you forgot to put an apostrophe between the m and the s in room's! Sorry, I was a teacher for 16 years (17 if you count the year of training and schoolwork) and it was the first thing I noticed! Otherwise, this is s lovely poem!

please don't be sorry for pointing out a problem. these are some of the things I like to know! thank you for reading and critiquing my poem. all advice is welcome. I try to always read a poem aloud before posting, but that isn't one of the things that would stand out.

ever, eddy styx
*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I'm begining to covet this kind of style. Very soon, I would like to create some thing like this. Changing gear is necessary for optimum performance of speed. LoL!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

thank you for reading and commenting. I hope you do write some senryu strings/chains. they are fun to do and give the mind exercise. I would love to read them!

*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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