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Rhyme Patterns (2) "Bitter rand Sweet" Scribbler

Submitted by Feign on Mon, 2012-08-13 19:53

BITTER AND SWEET (rhyme patterns SS)

O the wonders of the spring
all the song birds perched to sing
a wasp just stung me on the ass
I've got to cut the freakin' grass

With flowers blooming everywhere
I've more than enough love to share
pollen swells my nose and eyes
new fire ant mounds which I despise

Ladies' fashions become spare
belly buttons and midriffs bare
along with men's knobby knees
plumbers' butts shine in the breeze

The cold of winter days long gone
'ere long pleasant weather will be done
replaced by heat (now that's a bummer)
and unrelenting southern summer
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Rhyme Patterns (2) "Bitter and Sweet" revision by Feign
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oh, the beauty of springtime,
just got stung on my behind
birds laugh (on a branch I'll cut)
first spring mowing, swollen butt

bee filled flowers , got a lot
(ha ! some chicks will think I'm hot)
forsooth! Forgot my allergies!
fire ants have found my knees !
.
this the season to see skin
breasts and thongs seem to be in
as are ant bitten old man legs
wow, plumbers butts look quite well fed
.
winter never seemed so dear
yet for now I'll drink more beer
stung, bitten, sunstroke woes
yeah, a keg seems apropos

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Last few words: 
I have no defense. Shoot me now.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

Comments

Feign

Mon, 2012-08-13 20:00

Feign's picture

somethng I wanted to comment (shrug)

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2012-08-13 21:52

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Other than 1 use of near rhyme you have used the exact same rhyme pattern I used in the original. You did well in changing the lines without losing the content but the aim of the revision is supposed to be to change the rhyme Pattern in order to help relieve any singsong effect. I'd suggest going back and doing a pretty major overhaul. To use the same pattern in 1 stanza could well be tolerable but at least 3 of these stanzas need to have a different pattern than I used. If you have questions just holler................stan

judyanne

Tue, 2012-08-14 05:46

judyanne's picture
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that you have made this even more sing-songy than scribblers original :)

the aabb scheme tends to do this

also if you lengthen the lines a little i think it would help in you quest

love judy
xxx

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