Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Pronounced with an F..

Submitted by Roscoe Lane on Wed, 2012-07-04 16:52

Pronounced with an F

Brylcreem and brittle bone
sticky out ears, on the car phone,
That which is thought of
in time spent alone.
Petrified minutes of waiting,
ashen faces, like stone.

Looking for comfort,
receive a collective groan.
Hearing the order to face
the unknown.

Giving your all till
your cover’s blown,
finally you find all
minutes are gone.

Cleaning your life in puddled
water, sometimes happily,
just the perfect time
to atone.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

We've all done it sometime, or perhaps not..

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2012-07-04 19:27

I was intriqued...

by the rhyme, but the rhythm threw me for a loop. Is this part of a workshop? I got the impression of someone who had a relationship, but frittered it away. Then being out in the street; so to speak, found a puddle of rain-water and tried to clean up their act. I'd like to think it worked! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-07-07 02:19

Thank you,

Thank you Gee, i'm glad you were intriqued, and no it's not part of a workshop apart from stream. Relationship yes, but not with another person, and i don't want to say much more than that, in case i get a few more posts. But thank you for your thoughts and time, Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2012-07-06 11:27

Dear Roscoe,

intriguing title, it drew me in :) I also enjoyed the structure. my favorite lines:

Looking for comfort,
receive a collective groan.
Hearing the order to face
the unknown.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-07-07 02:20

Thank you,

Thank you Cat i'm glad you enjoyed this, and i'm glad the title worked. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-07-07 04:06

Roscoe

The first stanza seems to set this off with a compression of time with the Brylcream and Car phone's, also a reflection of what I went through in the 50's where I wasted a lot of time in my life by joining the Royal Air Force at 15. Like a fly walking over treacle it was a long time till freedom reigned in 1972 lol Loved the write, Yours Ian.T
PS:- were you rich enough to have a car phone in those days lol....???

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2012-07-08 04:07

Thank you Ian,

Thank you Ian, and yes it's a compression of time, or maybe the recollection of time given to a certain way of life. And no, i couldn't afford to put money in the phone, we had on the main street in our village. lol. Thanks again. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Neopoet

Pronounced with an F..