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Precipice (edited)
Precipice
Frantic
on the verge
of the ultimate
precipice
imprudently looking down
as a toe dangles
to take the last step
into the yawning maw
of insanity's plunge
decision's brink
to stay holding
to safety's line
clinging to life
out on an emotional limb
fighting for a breath
of enlightenment
to make sense
of the mysterious puzzle
growing ever larger
with complicated
life...
or to find
the freedom
of simply
letting go...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
spelling corrected, lol.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-05-02 15:17
It needs a bit of tweaking
It needs a bit of tweaking Cat, The idea is in some ways a simple one, and therefore it has to be well expressed.
"looking dangerously down" how do you look dangerously? This is what I mean some of the ideas put slightly differently will bring it all together.
Somehow the ultimate precipice I think should be on one line it doesn't add to it to be otherwise.
A toe dangles
the last step
Th plunge of insanity, insanity is then the last word on that line which stays with one.
"or to find
freedom" I feel you need 'the freedom' given the context.
Oh I have put a lot of clumsy thoughts here, I apologise, but do feel it needs some work.
Yours Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-05-04 12:22
Thank you, dear Ann,
I see what you mean about the word "dangerously". Thanks for reading and making suggestions!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentBonitaj
Wed, 2012-05-02 15:55
Cat!
I do like the racey-ness of it - from conception to completetion. It may well need a bit of tweaking but the only specific recommendation I have, is that you include the definative noun "THE" as a precursor to "FREEDOM" .
I am hanging on that precipice with you, waiting to see if there will be any changed "outcomes" ;)
Regards
Boni
Bonitaj
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-05-04 12:24
Noun Added...
Thanks, Boni!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2012-05-04 12:26
Thanks, Mark,
Always glad to have you reading and commenting on my works!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2012-05-04 12:28
Thanks Lonnie,
I greatly appreciate your comments in both forums. Your opinion is valued.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Fri, 2012-05-04 12:45
I just fell from a precipice.... though not too high...
I just fell from a precipice.... though not too high...
fell on the back of my flat head ...
heavens saved me
you want to know why?
coz I have yet to compose poems
without a score
and
many will learn from me .....all the more
Two things in life are for certain
CALAMITY
and
OPPORTUNITY
always come unannounced
Curtain!
loved
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-05-05 11:43
Thanks Loved,
Your input is always welcome!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentjudyanne
Sat, 2012-05-05 11:54
hi cat
‘of insanities plunge’ …. ‘decisions brink’ …. ‘to safeties line’
--- do you mean insanity’s and decision’s and safety’s ??
i like this write very much
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-05-05 12:03
Thanks Judy,
For pointing this out... I used the plural not the possessive. I will correct this.
:)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
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