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Plastic operation

nails smell of layered shellac
hiding the ridges of housewives hands

leg wax smeared and whipped off
hairless corpora 's attractive to man

eyebrows threaded, cream applied
prevents reddened skin looking wan

YSL perfume, five dollars from China
B.O. hidden as only it can

bikini line hairless in operating theatre
Exposed post op to the bedpan

Why bother waxing pre surgical knife
Better to save it for holiday tan

Wien your breasts are double D
Totally enhanced, you may need a fan

To subdue alpha males around you
Or a sign on your breasts saying sex is banned.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Women coming for plastic surgery. I incorporated changes suggested and redid this
Editing stage: 


I almost never offer a rewrite but I think the message in this poem deserves the effort so I'll do what I shun in order to give you some ideas on how You could improve this (as if I could) :
shellac smelling nails glued firmly on
to hide imperfections on a houswife's hands

wax smeared and yanked off long legs
making hailess limbs more attractive to man

eyebrows plucked, cream roughly applied
so red skin won't look so dry and wan

five dollar perfume from China
to hide nervous sweat if it can

bare bikini line for the surgery room
unnotice by he who must hold the bedpan

why bother with it presurgery
best save the trouble for holiday tan

Breasts stuffed double D
enhancement begs a fan

to cool off horny males
with a sign "sex is banned"

* just a quick bunch of alternative, I expect you can do much better than I did.....................stan PS if it were mine, I'd put it in quatrains to enhance rhyme

I'll try the copy and paste technique

author comment

When I fish I might be a master baiter but That's the only kind lol...........stan

The rhyme is understated and subtle; in my books, this is a great thing. Rhyme (in my opinion) should never bog down or inhibit the aural reading of a poem.

The symmetry to the stanzas is really pleasing visually and gives a nice 'clean cut' feel to it - enhancing your theme of plastic and surgery.

This works well overall, but there are a lot of relative clauses that would just work better as normal clauses (eg. legs with wax smeared and whipped off). There are also some banal words (totally, 'cool down') that can be changed as they don't affect the rhyme.

Hope this helped! Great poem:)

All the changes that I thought would help

author comment

the master positive poet here
has committed

but spelt it all wrong
was it on purpose
how I wish
I am wrong ---------------

hhaaa Mr...--------master baiter...''''''''

still at ur age going strong>>>


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